Max Kuehn def. Blogger

I love cars.

Well, actually I don't really care for other people's cars, or their drivers. And I'm not too crazy about roads through forests, or driving on boring roads I know, or driving on scary roads I don't know, or really driving in general. I also dislike all the constant hassle of car care, and the fact that I don't know anything about cars and don't want to but still worry that all of the condescending mechanics think I'm dumb.

But if you exclude all those things, you might consider me a car lover. Because all that's left is my car, a powder blue '89 Lincoln Town Car (or "Honest Abe" as I like to call it). From its 4 acre hood to its Olympic swimming pool-sized trunk, from its mirrored fenders to its advanced on-board "computer," I do love this car, all 8000 pounds and 17 miles per gallon of it.

However, I do have a few issues with it. Well, not really with the car itself. Just with other people who have driven/owned it. Namely, my sister Maya and cousin Sam. Now, generally I consider both of them to be reasonable, even likable people. After all, they are both regular readers of this blog, which automatically makes them smarter and better looking than most. However, both committed the unforgivable sin of not belonging to the same cult of Lincoln-lovin' as my father and I do.

All we ask is that the Lincoln be preserved in perfect, immaculate condition for all time. Is that too much to expect? But the abuse of these two nonbelievers has left our beloved Abe with no fewer than three paint chips, one broken speaker cover, and worst of all, a vicious dent in the front right fender. I love you Maya, but...C'mon.

P.S.: Sam Walker's bike says both "Mountain Climber" and "Roadmaster" on it, neither of which truthfully describes Sam Walker. They should be changed to "Potato Chip Eater" and "Mattson Gofer" to ensure accuracy.

P.P.S.: I played Jordan's Guitar Hero game on Tuesday. It's sort of like Dance Dance Revolution, except instead of dancing you play guitar, using a custom guitar shaped controller. I hereby challenge all comers to a guitar duel. Prepare to have your faces melted. And you all said my power stance practice would never come in handy...