Friday, October 06, 2006

"Give Me Back My Elephants!"

I'm all sick and stuff, but Josh Johnson managed to drag me to "The Protector," Tony Jaa's new movie tonight. Even as I burned up from fever, Tony Jaa was burning up the screen (and Johnson's heart.) Here's the breakdown:

First 30 minutes: So Tony Jaa's character's dad raises elephants, okay? And they're real holy? And they got stolen, and his dad got shot, so he has to go to....Australia. Duh.

Seriously though, this was probably the best third of the movie. Within it, one will see:
A-A bunch of guys get beaten up.
B-A speedboat smash into a helicopter.
C-Some great elephant footage.
D-Tony Jaa beat up 30 guys on inline skates and BMX bikes. Man, there is just nothing funnier than a guy getting kicked off a bike. Also, the dudes all grab flouresent light bulbs for some reason, so even when they do hit Tony the bulbs just, you know, break.
E-A sweet CG dream sequence.
F-A Jackie Chan cameo, although Johnson wouldn't believe me that it was really him.

Second 30 minutes: Story. Yawn. Although it was funny how many people in Sydney spoke Thai. Weird, huh?

Final 30 minutes: Very nice FFF (Furious Fight to the Finish). This third features:
A-A 9 minute continuous shot of Tony fighting his way up this big helical hall, KOing about 25 guys and throwing at least 4 over the edge.
B-A very Kill Bill-esque sequence in which Tony breaks about 77 bones, all with the same sound effect, but otherwise very creatively, and the dudes just stay on the floor around him, writhing in pain.
C-Tony fighting three guys, one at a time, in a burning Buddhist shrine, with 6 inches of water on the floor, for no real reason other than it looks awesome. Oh, and one of the guys was basically Eddie from Tekken. Aaaaand at one point he grabs some gong sticks and wails on a guy with them (see promo photo [if blogger will let me put it on here, which is looking doubtful]).
D-Tony landing shirtless on a platform with an elephant skeleton, then magically rising 5 seconds later, shirtless, pissed, and with some bones roped to his arms. Of course, this leads to the scene we all remember from the preview, Tony leaping through the air with two elephant thigh bones roped to his forearms, landing on a guys shoulders, and whacking the guy on the head with the bones.

P.S.: I found a sweet trailer, all in Taiwanese. The movie itself has subtitles, don't worry, but I kind of like how I have no idea what the dramatically timed words right at the end mean, and yet they're still terribly exciting.



At 10:28 PM, October 06, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

Section three, letter D should start "Tony landing SHIRTED on a platform."

Blogger is being persnickety.

At 10:42 PM, October 06, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

And I thought of a sweet folksy saying during the movie but I didn't get to use it, so here it is:

"My glands are more swollen than the pockets of a Gilded Age plutocrat!"


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