Forgive Him Father, He Knows Not What He Blogs

Scholarship update:

Okay dudes, these are pretty much all in the bag.

Duck Tape Prom Outfits
Requirements: Make your own prom outfits out of duct tape
Award: Varies
Bottom Line: Easy. We're gonna pull up in a damn duct tape limo, burning duct tape fuel and passing out duct tape hundred dollar bills.

The Ayn Rand Institute Atlas Shrugged Scholarship
Requirements: Be a huge asshole (I assume)
Award: Lotsa cash
Bottom Line: I figure I just gotta be a huge know-it-all asshole and this one should be locked up. In other words, this one is locked up.

Tall Teen Scholarship
Requirements: Be 6'2'' (for boys)
Award: $500
Bottom Line: No problem. I'll just wear some lift shoes to the interview. Fuck man, I'll probably pull down the Little People of America cash too. Screw you, the vertically challenged!

Writers of the Future/ Illustrators of the Future
Requirements: Works of prose up to 17,000 words in length/ Open to amateur artists
Award: $1000/$1500
Bottom Line: I've just gotta send in the illustrated manuscript for The Most Popular Boy In The World: The Sam Walker Story and these prizes are as good as gotten.

American Welding Society District Scholarship
Requirements: HS student pursuing a career in welding
Award: Varies
Bottom Line: Man everybody knows I could weld a space station to a submarine. I think I can push through an art history/welding double major at most major universities, yes? Yes.

United States Bowling Congress/Calgon/Catholic Aid Association
Requirements: USBC member/female HS senior/CAA member
Award: Plenty
Bottom Line: 300 game/sex change (or possibly elaborate ruse)/conversion (or possibly even MORE elaborate ruse) and I should be in like Flint.

Lowell Elementary School
Requirements: Lowell grad
Award: $150
Bottom Line: Man, can you name one other exemplary student to come out of Lowell? Didn't think so.

And the coup de grace...

National Wild Turkey Federation
Requirements: HS Seniors who have at least a 3.0 GPA, students must support the preservation of the hunting tradition and actively participate in hunting sports, hunting license required, must be a current member of the National Wild Turkey Federation Xtreme JAKES program. Must be involved in school activities, must be a leader, must have community involvement, essay, 3 reccomendations and autobiography must b included.
Award: $250 local, $1000 state, $10,000 national
Bottom Line: I'm bound to have tons of competition here (I mean c'mon, name one person you know who isn't a member of the Xtreme JAKES program), but I figure if I can kill the biggest turkey, there's no way the Federation can turn me down.


P.S.
The 9:50 Smokin' Aces
+
a cup and a half of coffee
+
one plate onion rings and two and a half chicken tenders
+
the Power Loon
+
Half a tank of gas
+
It's dark outside, and you're wearing sunglasses
=
an excellent driving experience