Monday, March 20, 2006

Birth Of A Hipster

I was walking around the high school this morning, cursing its name, when I was suddenly reminded of the best part of BHS: the people.

As I walked by the south doors, I saw a young man whom I had no memory of. I mention this becuase if I'd seen him before, I would have filed him permanently in my memory banks. He was the the most emo individual I've ever laid eyes upon. His hair was lank and artificially dark and it hung down, partially obscuring his view through black-framed, horn-rimmed, lenseless glasses. He wore a black Weezer t-shirt under a forest-green suit coat, lacking only a military insignia and a $2.50 price tag from Goodwill. His jeans were artfully bleached and featured some expensive looking professional rips, counterintuitively placed directly behind the knees (to keep The Man on his toes, apparently). Worn and soiled checkered deck shoes--standard hipster footwear--adorned his oddly small feet.

Even as I marveled at his utter hipness, I was more shocked by the fact that I hadn't noticed him before. I realized that perhaps he had made a self-concious image transformation (see Sam Walker) over Spring Break. But this seemed unlikely; how could any mere mortal create such a complete expression of angst and defiance--with concert t-shirts? No, he must have been created this way. Perhaps some other major hipster exploded and formed a hip-nebula, a massive, gaseous cloud of self-assurance. Gravity and egotism gradually drew the nebula into a smaller, denser, smugger sphere. Eventually the cloud became self-aware and stopped washing its hair.

Thanks for the feedback on the hair. Interesting that right now the most defiant, out-there freak-flag I can fly is trimming my wild n' crazy man-mane into a squared-off butch cut. I'll do Forrest Gump proud.



At 9:12 AM, March 21, 2006, Blogger CoachDub said...

I saw a special on Discovery Science about the hipster nebula. I guess you saw it too.

At 2:38 PM, March 21, 2006, Blogger Tom said...

has anyone else ever read "the Hipster's Handbook"? its pretty entertaining.

At 8:08 PM, March 21, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

I based my theory off of the law of conservation of hipness. No hip can be created or destroyed.

At 9:50 PM, March 21, 2006, Blogger Josh said...

Sam needs a haircut man

At 9:51 PM, March 21, 2006, Blogger Josh said...


some of us can't adequately tie our shoes. so piss off.

does that kid seriously have no lenses on his glasses

At 10:18 PM, March 21, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

I couldn't really tell because of all the angst blocking my view.

Q:Why do emo kids have such nice lawns?
A:Their grass is so depressed it cuts itself.

At 10:26 PM, March 21, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

Apparently there's no law of gravitation of hipness? Otherwise, black-hole singularities like Sam Walker would absorb all the hipness in the nearby area into themselves.

At 2:49 PM, March 22, 2006, Blogger Tom said...

but yeah, back to this hipster handbook thing, in it it shows you how to shave your pubes hip. hiply. in a hip fashion.

At 10:56 PM, March 22, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

There is a law of gravitation of hipness, but since when have hipsters followed the rules?


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