The First Annual Manly Mustache Awards (MMA's)

As of 4:26 PM on this Sunday, April 9, 2006, the Manly Mustache Franchise officially ended. But fear not! This is only the beginning of a celebration of the end. We must initially start with the MMA's, an award that looks something like this:

On behalf of the entire Manly Mustache Team, I am proud to announce we will be giving out 11 MMA's to individuals/organizations in a grand total of 9 different categories.

Drumroll Please!

The first MMA category: Dirtiest Mustache of the Year.

Potential Candidates: Josh Johnson's ugly face, Ron Jeremy, and Adam Morrison.

...and the winner is: After much deliberation, the selection committee determined Adam Morrison as the dirtiest. Johnson was a close 2nd, but his recent shaving prevented him from earning the MMA. Just look at Adam!

The next MMA category: Manliest Book of the year.

Potential Candidates: Big Bushy Mustache by Gary Soto and The Milk Mustache Book by Jay Schulberg

...and the winner is: Although a tough call, Big Bushy Mustache prepares children to become the future mustaches of America.

Category Number Three: Manliest City in the World.

Potential Candidates: Manly, Iowa and Barrows, Minnesota.

...and the winner is: Until we actually experience Manly, all the city has going for it: the name. The entire Mustache Franchise has so many fond and keen memories of Barrows. Barrows, this one's for you!

Next up: The Manliest Video of the Year

Potential Candidates: None (Determined by unanimous decision)

...and the winner is: The Manly Mustaches Bread Party!

Category 5: Manliest Foreigners of the Year

Potential Candidates: Sir Alex, Fayna, and Robbinho

...and the winner is: This was easily the most heated category. Such fine gentleman to choose from! Should the MMA go to the man who discovered the Mustaches? The one who posts the most? Why choose just one...when you can have ALL THREE! Congratulations our Italian friends, these MMA's are yours to keep forever!

The sixth category (hey! we're 2/3 done): Manliest Employee

Potential Candidates: Cameron-Ace Hardware, Mr. Fox-Blong's Teacher Aid, and Kurt-Steve and Barry's

...and the winner is: Due to Mr. Fox never coming to our class any more, his name was easily crossed off the list. Although Kurt brings the "Mustache Way" of working into his job, the MMA just had to go to someone who works long hours promoting the benefits of mustaches, bread, and The Bread Party. Mi padre, felicitaciones!

Category 7: Mustache Humanitarian of the Year

(This award is given out to an individual who not only has expressed extensive support for our organization, but is proud of their affiliation with the team. There is no pool of candidates, but rather the committee selects a most oustanding and deserving person.)

...and the winner is: royalewithcheese_. Not only did he attend the most games of anyone throughout the duration of the season, he also vocally expressed support amidst pressure not to during 5th hour each day. Jordan has worked numerous hours assisting the "Mustaches for Tots" campaign and in his spare time enjoys grooming facial hair. Congratulations!

The second-to-last category: Manliest Razor of the Year

Potential Candidates: Schick Quattro, Gillette Fusion, and Bic Plastics.

...and the winner is: We have 3 quality razors to choose from. Minus the Bic. Although the Schick Quattro features Colby from Survivor, the Gillette Fusion wins in a landslide. What's not to love? It first debuted during the middle of the Super Bowl. 5 blades. 2 comfort strips. 1 precision blade. Pivoting head. Manly.

And the final MMA: The Lifetime Acheivement Award

(The Liftetime Acheivement Award is chosen for any person who has dedicated their entire life towards bettering the Mustache Community. The requirements are quite simple: You have to be able to prove that you have dedicated the last few years of your life to any mustache cause. This is easily the most prestigious award given out.)

...and the winner is: The Beard Team USA. For all of their members, including Mr. Olsen himself, we are truly honored to present this award. Without the Beard Team USA, I would have no reason for living, much less any intrigue in beard growing. These men have been working hard their entire lives...and for that, we salute you!

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This may mark the end of the official MMA awards/prizes, however, as will be a tradition for the future, we now must take time to honor, remember, reminisce, and exalt those mustaches who have passed before us. (In 2006)

Richard Bright: Actor...Godfather/Sopranos

Gordon Parks: Photographer/Civil Rights Enthusiast

Willie Kent: Blues Guitarist

Kirby Puckett: The face...and heart of Minnesota

...this concludes the First Annual MMA's.