Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Fop Till You Drop

Some people have been complaining that this blog updates too frequently so if they miss a day, they're out of it. I say: deal with it. Work that scroll bar, ladies.

So the Bread Party obviously has a foolproof plan for gaining power (propoganda films, a rock solid platform), but we have neglected to plan what we will do once we are actually in power. Most importantly, how will we decide who gets cushy government jobs?

I think in the spirit of that most mansome/manful/straight up manly president Andrew "You'll Live On The Marshlands And Like It" Jackson, we ought to bring back the spoils system. As soon as we control all branches and levels of government, we just appoint faithful supporters to the positions of their choice. But how to determine who gets what position? I believe we should use that most ancient and democratic of systems, calling dibs. All readers are welcome to "call" the position of their choice, then rest easy with the knowledge that in a few years, all their troubles will be over. A few ground rules:

1. One comment per person, one job per person.
2. First to call a position gets it. All later callers of the same job will be doomed to be the initial callers minion/lackey for the duration of their stay in the job.
3. All positions are subject to the President's approval.
4. I call President.

It's just that simple! Choose any job you like from goverment/millitary/whatever. Want to be an ambassador? A general? The minority whip? Here's your chance to get in this bread elevator at the ground floor. We're riding it all the way to the top of this bread skyscraper! Tell your friends--after you secure your own position, of course.

(Sorry about the repost, I had to fix this up and start fresh comments. And I approve of the graham and jake&andrew links, but tay? Come on.)

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At 9:57 PM, April 05, 2006, Blogger royalewithcheese_ said...

I claim Chairman of Alcohol Production

At 10:28 PM, April 05, 2006, Anonymous amy said...

i call dibs on Personal Grooming Stylist... i know, i know, i lack in the fashion department (can anyone say 'need a job?') but who was it who did, in fact, give Kubas tips on his coveted fro? and look what it did for the Mustache political identity -serving charities and whatnot (well almost...Locks of Love can kiss my foot on that 10 inch mumbo jumbo)... and once you guys do grow into your fullest 'manly' potential who better to give advice on the detail of the stache and the contour of your beards??? c'mon...i told jeff how to work it and he looks hot! so i say i am, indeed, the best fit for this position.

At 10:35 PM, April 05, 2006, Blogger Sherlock said...

I've got dibs on Executive Custodial Engineer.

At 10:59 PM, April 05, 2006, Blogger Kid C said...

Secretary of Defense. Have you seen my shot-blocking?

At 11:50 PM, April 05, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

Vice President.

Seriously. Tie-breaker on 50-50 votes in the Senate? What prestige.

btw, Manliest Presidential Mustache? TR, hands down.

At 12:11 AM, April 06, 2006, Blogger mayah said...

first of all, "awwww" re: vice president.

second.. hmm... i call chief of staff.

At 6:03 PM, April 06, 2006, Blogger keuber said...

dibs on


At 6:04 PM, April 06, 2006, Blogger keuber said...

wow. my sister posts on this blog.

(insert moment of love)

(insert "awwwww!" feeling)

At 6:34 PM, April 06, 2006, Blogger 3_the_hard_way said...

I call being a Supreme Court Justice. Once in court, my ever changing ideals will make people call me, *Swingin' Tom Day.

* That nickname was **not influenced by Ed Helms' "If I were a Supreme Court Justice" essay in America: The Book

** I totally lied about that.

At 6:39 PM, April 06, 2006, Blogger Johnny V said...

I want the position of "Sam Walker's Overseer"

At 8:48 PM, April 06, 2006, Blogger The_Janitor said...

I guess that leaves me as the Public Relations Director.

At 11:11 PM, April 06, 2006, Blogger Tay said...

i call supreme chancellor of this blog. according to the rules since i have called this position i automatically get it and therefore can make up the rules for the position. my first rule is that i have supreme power over all other positions. my second rule is that no one can create a position higher or of the same power as supreme chancellor.

as my first act as supreme chancellor i say max has to stop being a retard and readd my link as i was nice enough to add a link to this blog. i, as supreme chancellor, declare that this act was petty and inappropriate. being as i have unchecked authority to make such a claim, the validity of this statement is beyond contestation.

so max, point is don't go onto my blog, label yourself as the entire "Entire Manly Mustache Organization" and unilaterally decide that i am not worthy of having a link on your blog. that is something as petty as something i would have done... think of that and stop being an asshole.

At 12:09 AM, April 07, 2006, Anonymous The Entire Sane World said...

Tay, pull the stick out of your ass and take a joke. You're gonna have to loosen up a lot if you plan to make in the kneepad eat kneepad world of Dartmouth.

At 12:24 AM, April 07, 2006, Blogger Kid C said...

Tay, that comment made you sound like a fucking douche. "i say max has to stop being a retard and readd my link as i was nice enough to add a link to this blog" If he doesn't want to give you a link, that's his choice and not yours. The title of this blog is mocking your father anyway.

At 1:30 AM, April 07, 2006, Blogger Tay said...

i'm sorry but i'm failing to see a joke here... mostly i think it is just max being a douche and removing my link because he doesn't like me even though kubas added it. but i guess in the entire sane world's mind doing basically anything is a joke, so that makes it fine.

erik, i'm sorry if you didn't catch on to the massive overstatement in the first comment. the whole point was to parody the incredible amount of pettiness that it took to remove the link to my blog. now i could parallel it on my blog, but as i posted there, i'm simply too lazy. i'm satified with simply commenting here.

my point is that the reason we put the links to each other's blog on the sidebar is it makes it really easy to just navigate from blog to blog. considering we, for the most part, surf the little network we've created, i can simply go from my blog to john's blog to wanninger's blog to the forum to ashely and paige's and so on without having my hand leave the mouse. it is about ease of navigation and shear laziness on my part and most others in the blogosphere.

bottom line max, be a good boy and put my link back up and i'll relinquish my position as supreme chancellor and settle for position of head of the department of cynism and caprice or something.

At 3:58 AM, April 07, 2006, Blogger CoachDub said...

I call Game Warden.

At 8:32 AM, April 07, 2006, Blogger graham said...

I call Secretary of Education.

So I can mold all the nation's schoolchildren in my own image.

At 10:12 AM, April 07, 2006, Blogger Kid C said...

I caught there was overstatement there. I don't know that it was "massive" and still, as I read it, doubt that it was. What I said still makes perfect sense.

Would you want to debate it, Tay? You could always fail to make a coherent arugment and then resort to unfounded mud-slinging; it's worked wonders for you in the past.

At 11:55 AM, April 07, 2006, Blogger Kid C said...

Then again, you do want to get into politics later in life... that's mostly what candidates do nowadays.

At 12:10 PM, April 07, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

Tay: Check rule #3--"All positions are subject to the President's approval." Your petition for Supreme Chancellor is denied. Instead,you will be appointed Vice President In Charge Of Pretense. You can run Boy's State too, if you want.

Also, here's a tip: By freaking out about the link removal, you're only rewarding our actions. Clearly, we WANTED you to flip out about this. Maybe calm down and be patient and we'll get tired of it.

Dub:I'll trade you President for Game Warden. I'm wicked jealous.

At 6:57 PM, April 07, 2006, Blogger keuber said...

In my recent address to the nation of Dirkadirkastan, I gave a speech similar to this:

"Dirka dirka mohammed jihad...dirka dirka...mohammed...dirka...dirka...dirka dirka jihad dirka mohammed...dirka dirka."

Briefly translated:

"Gentlemen, let's have love."

At 1:53 AM, April 08, 2006, Blogger CoachDub said...

Max, that would be a demotion. Why would I do that?

At 2:45 PM, April 08, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...


At 2:48 PM, April 08, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

And houle, I realize that TR wins in a mustache competition. But I was judging by pure manliness, and I think Jackson has the edge there.

If Andrew Jackson and Teddy Roosevelt got in a fight, who would win?

At 3:07 PM, April 08, 2006, Blogger Kid C said...

William Taft is the most Chet-like President.

At 3:51 PM, April 08, 2006, Blogger CoachDub said...

Andrew Jackson killed more Indians that Teddy R.

Killing Indians is manly.

Therefore, Jackson is more manly.

At 8:46 AM, April 09, 2006, Blogger bundy said...

hopefully i'm not too late, and someone will actually SEE this, but let it be known now, that i call dibs on -


and since i'm the supreme dictator FOR LIFE, my job security, rather the start of my job security, does not depend on the president's sanctioning of my position.

At 8:45 PM, April 13, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

"Killing Indians Is Manly"

I think we may have found a slogan for Tay's 2016 presidential run.


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