Thursday, November 30, 2006

Da Butcha

I'm considering creating a list of life-goals. I think it could be handy if I ever lose my way; just pull out the ol' list and mosey on to the next line. But perhaps I wouldn't accomplish some and I'd feel like a failure, or my interests could change but I wouldn't want to change my life goals list.

Anyways, I think one item on there has to be compiling some sort of volume of my dad's stories. He has a story for every occasion, and he tells them, so goddamn much in fact that he has a story about how one of his friends, tired of hearing his stories over and over again, took to interrupting him ten words in with a line like "Oh, this is number 33. He locks himself out of the house and has to dig through the snow to find the key." And he would be right.

SO: When my dad was in college, he and his buddies had a set-up for about six months where they would give blood twice a week to earn their food and beer money. Seems like a perfectly reasonable plan, right? Well, there was this one nurse who worked at the clinic who was notorious for her ineptitude at finding a vein. She would stick people again and again before she got the needle in right. Thusly had she earned the nickname "The Butcher."

So my dad and his friends were all down at the clinic, sitting in the waiting room and eating the free cookies, and the first one called is my dad's buddy Rory. Rory goes in and sees that he got...the Butcher. He starts to shake a little bit as he sits down and she puts the tourniquet on his arm. The rest of the crew sees their friend in need, so naturally, they crowd around the glass door to watch him suffer. The Butcher takes the needle and sticks it in Rory's arm...nothing. She pulls it out and tries again. And again. And Rory is just losing it, and my dad and his friends are rolling on the floor, and she has to stick him SEVEN times before she gets a good vein. JESUS CHRIST.

P.S.: Suggest some life-goals for me. Right now I have "have kids" and "write a book."



At 11:11 PM, November 30, 2006, Blogger CoachDub said...

Possible Life Goal - Stop adding an s to the word anyway.

At 11:14 PM, November 30, 2006, Blogger CoachDub said...

But really, do you want to list vague things like "make the world better," or specific things like "go scuba diving"?

At 11:25 PM, November 30, 2006, Blogger Samwalkertron said...

My mom's a nurse, and according to her finding a good vein is hard. Many nurses are inept at it.

Kids are overrated.

I thing coming up with a new name half as cool as Sam Snakes would have ya set for life.

Make your entire life an artistic interpretation of the works of Matthew Barney. Trust me dude - a life as an art piece? You'd be the next Andy Warhol. Or GG Alin.

At 12:10 AM, December 01, 2006, Blogger hannah said...

my life list includes the following:
1. complete a game of minesweeper
2. eat a big mac
3. go to finland with kayla to explore our roots
4. run a marathon
5. be in a musical

i've completed 1 and 5. i'm a simple person

At 1:18 AM, December 01, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

All this blood donation talk reminds me that I'm as healthy as a racehorse. Not only is my immune system built like the Berlin Wall, but nurses give me a choice of arms to donate blood from because my veins bulge readily when pressure's applied to my upper arm, and the last two pints I've given have both gone under five minutes.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; but, nevermind - you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.

At 7:28 AM, December 01, 2006, Blogger Hillstorm said...

Is that from that graduation song? I don't know what it's called.

At 11:46 AM, December 01, 2006, Blogger Tom said...

whatever jason, ill outbleed you any day of the week. except sunday, obviously.

At 2:11 PM, December 01, 2006, Blogger mayah said...

that's very nietzschian of you, sam walker. "only as an aesthetic phenomenon is the world and our being in it eternally justified." helloooo bohemia

At 2:38 PM, December 01, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

the latter paragraph in my comment comes from Baz Luhrmann's "Everybody's Free," which begins with "Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99..."

so yes, i think so.

At 4:21 PM, December 01, 2006, Blogger El Jefe said...

i think i can out bleed anyone, my last draw time was under 3:30 min. I'll share my life goal with you Max, i want to live past the age of 40.

At 4:37 PM, December 01, 2006, Blogger Kid C said...

Your goal should be to make the cover of "Good Housekeeping." Note the singular "goal," because the way I see it, if you've made the cover of "Good Housekeeping" you have nothing left to prove to anyone.

At 4:37 PM, December 01, 2006, Blogger Kid C said...

Otherwise, meeting the Hoff would be a pretty sweet goal.

At 5:28 PM, December 01, 2006, Blogger jobble said...

not gonna lie, my blood giving last year was amazing.

At 7:23 PM, December 01, 2006, Blogger The_Janitor said...

Possible life goal grow a real mustache.

At 8:50 PM, December 02, 2006, Blogger Gregarious.Mime said...

Try Haggis.

At 12:32 AM, December 03, 2006, Blogger Josh said...

my goals:

1) eat two burritos (one stuffs me)
2) finish novel

At 1:42 PM, December 03, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Words of Wisdom on Life Goals:

Life goals are great, in theory, but you are allowed to rewrite the list every now and then, as you grow into whoever you will become.

My suggestion for a life goal:
Find the love of your life, forever treat her like a princess (queen sounded too stuffy) and never let her go!

Your kids will like this!

At 3:18 PM, December 03, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

That's a nice life goal, but I think I like josh's better.

At 3:47 PM, December 03, 2006, Blogger Josh said...

somedays i feel like i can do it but i just want to die after i eat one cause i'm so full

At 5:48 PM, December 03, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

You guys are useless.

lilywhite, who are you?

At 9:09 PM, December 03, 2006, Blogger Tom said...

josh- i think i can help you attain inner peace and satisfaction.

at most grocery stores, they sell bags of frozen burritos that are quite small. eating two shouldn't be a problem.

At 1:24 PM, December 04, 2006, Blogger Josh said...

yeah tom i can eat two of those no problem


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