I'm Not An Asshole, I Just Play One On Television

Tay Stevenson has been quite succesful so far. He's got hisself a girlfriend and some friends and he loves his college and he seems to be enjoying life more than pretty much anyone I know, with the possible exception of Humpty Hump (is that his full name?).

That said, he can be a really ridiculous person.

I mean no disrespect here Tay. I'm just saying is all. You can do and say really insane things. Mostly you say them. Understand, I'm not complaining. I'm usually entertained by your antics, and they arouse a deep disgust in Sam Walker which I find uniquely hilarious. For example, your Dartmouth Beer Pong League (or DBPL) t-shirt, complete with a stylized logo on the front and crossed ping-pong paddles and the motto "I SINK IT, YOU DRINK IT," prompted a special sort of anger in Sam that I got to laugh about all morning.

Now, we all say silly/inappropriate things from time to time. But Tay....well he takes it to another level. I mean, would anyone else ever consider walking out of the bathroom and saying "Man, I feel ten pounds lighter"?

And don't get me started on the endless sexual references. Those from Holbrook's were so numerous and inappropriate that I won't attempt to reproduce them here (although the first paragraph here is a fine example straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak). Instead, I'll offer this bit of conversation from lunch the next day:
Max: (while discussing video surveillance of Sam Walker).....well Sam, perhaps your lair has been penetrated.
Sam: See, this is where Tay would go "Hey, kind of like gay anal sex, am I right guys?


Tay can be nice to have around. In particular, he is useful for uniting everyone else against him for a good laugh. I offer these two examples from the entertaining night of Illuminati at Holbrook's the other night:

Tay (bragging about the big D): Man, we have an astronaut who's running for Senate
Max: Tay, it is not hard to run for Senate. As a matter of fact, I am now running for Senate.
Shane: We have a monkey who's a magician
Sam: He's got my vote!

Tay: Man, we take drinking seriously at Dartmouth. I saw this guy do a sixer in ten seconds the other night!
(two beats of silence while we think about this statement)
Max: Holy SHIT! An entire SIXER? In TEN SECONDS?
Sam: I mean, maybe a fiver I would have believed. But a SIXER?
Max: Yeah, or a sixer in like 20 seconds. But a SIXER in TEN? GODDAMN!

In conclusion, everyone brace yourselves for tay's inevitable flip-out in the comment thread.