Monday, March 19, 2007

I'm Not An Asshole, I Just Play One On Television

Tay Stevenson has been quite succesful so far. He's got hisself a girlfriend and some friends and he loves his college and he seems to be enjoying life more than pretty much anyone I know, with the possible exception of Humpty Hump (is that his full name?).

That said, he can be a really ridiculous person.

I mean no disrespect here Tay. I'm just saying is all. You can do and say really insane things. Mostly you say them. Understand, I'm not complaining. I'm usually entertained by your antics, and they arouse a deep disgust in Sam Walker which I find uniquely hilarious. For example, your Dartmouth Beer Pong League (or DBPL) t-shirt, complete with a stylized logo on the front and crossed ping-pong paddles and the motto "I SINK IT, YOU DRINK IT," prompted a special sort of anger in Sam that I got to laugh about all morning.

Now, we all say silly/inappropriate things from time to time. But Tay....well he takes it to another level. I mean, would anyone else ever consider walking out of the bathroom and saying "Man, I feel ten pounds lighter"?

And don't get me started on the endless sexual references. Those from Holbrook's were so numerous and inappropriate that I won't attempt to reproduce them here (although the first paragraph here is a fine example straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak). Instead, I'll offer this bit of conversation from lunch the next day:
Max: (while discussing video surveillance of Sam Walker).....well Sam, perhaps your lair has been penetrated.
Sam: See, this is where Tay would go "Hey, kind of like gay anal sex, am I right guys?

Tay can be nice to have around. In particular, he is useful for uniting everyone else against him for a good laugh. I offer these two examples from the entertaining night of Illuminati at Holbrook's the other night:

Tay (bragging about the big D): Man, we have an astronaut who's running for Senate
Max: Tay, it is not hard to run for Senate. As a matter of fact, I am now running for Senate.
Shane: We have a monkey who's a magician
Sam: He's got my vote!

Tay: Man, we take drinking seriously at Dartmouth. I saw this guy do a sixer in ten seconds the other night!
(two beats of silence while we think about this statement)
Max: Holy SHIT! An entire SIXER? In TEN SECONDS?
Sam: I mean, maybe a fiver I would have believed. But a SIXER?
Max: Yeah, or a sixer in like 20 seconds. But a SIXER in TEN? GODDAMN!

In conclusion, everyone brace yourselves for tay's inevitable flip-out in the comment thread.

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At 2:11 PM, March 21, 2007, Blogger Houley said...

My fave might be over at Superblog, when Tay ended a long paragraph explaining how hunters are compassionate and not simply primitive killers with "go eat some fucking tofu josh and stop looking down on hunters because they want to kill a big deer."

At 2:52 PM, March 21, 2007, Blogger Tay said...

that was a good line.

and it was a "quick six" thank you very much. video can be seen here

At 2:54 PM, March 21, 2007, Blogger Tay said...

the video is in the basement of chi heorot (named after the beerhall in beowulf).

At 3:18 PM, March 21, 2007, Blogger Tom said...

"The men of Dartmouth: the most relaxed throat muscles in the Ivy League"

At 11:23 PM, March 21, 2007, Blogger Amelia said...

Spring break? so are y'all gonna do any road trips again this year, or an italian party? what happened to those italians anyway?

those were some funny posts!

At 12:04 AM, March 22, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

bundy is out of town, sam walker is dead to me, we have no camera, and italy has sunk into the sea. I'm sorry, amelia.

Anyways, who noticed my brilliant psychological maneuveur there to get tay to not flip out in teh comment thread? That's the kind of mental gymnastics that will allow me to keep up my punishing %12 winning percentage in illuminati.

At 12:29 AM, March 22, 2007, Blogger Tay said...

your mental gymnastics? you think the ramblings of a petty high schooler are going to get me to flip out? honestly, if you actually take any of the "insane" things i say seriously or feel i am not being facetious in the least, i truly do pity you max. perhaps after years of being ridiculed by kids with far more wit and talent at getting the best of me, i have finally learned the best way to deal with stupid posts like this is just to not care.

tout your little moral victory if you want, max. it is not only pretty empty, but it is pretty sad when you spend time and effort to make your own little pre-set victories for some little bit of pleasure. just saying.

At 12:37 AM, March 22, 2007, Blogger Houley said...

there it is. it was just on time delay.

At 12:38 AM, March 22, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

I was worried you weren't gonna flip there for a little while, tay.

I mean, it did take you nearly 25 minutes to respond.

At 12:42 AM, March 22, 2007, Blogger Tay said...

man of the people: jason houle. or should i say, jason mccain.

and max, don't flatter yourself.

At 2:19 AM, March 22, 2007, Blogger Houley said...

yeah, your illuminati percentage is probably closer to 10%. c'mon.

At 10:38 AM, March 22, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

Well, 1/8= 12.5%.

I thought I was being modest.

At 11:51 AM, March 22, 2007, Blogger Josh said...

my percentage is significantly higher than that

At 1:04 PM, March 22, 2007, Blogger Tay said...

if you really want to be fair i've played 4 illuminati games and won one of them, which puts me at a cool 25% and if you want to count that win as only half of a win that still puts me at 12.5% which is the same as you oh master of mental gymnastics.

At 2:28 PM, March 22, 2007, Blogger Houley said...

Kerri Strug style.

I'm probably around 10-12% as well, but I'm almost always in 6-player games too, if that counts for anything.

At 2:50 PM, March 22, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

Honestly I enjoy larger games.

Also I do better in games without josh there.

At 11:00 PM, March 22, 2007, Blogger Hillstorm said...

Sigh... Boys, boys, boys.


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