Monday, March 19, 2007


Spring Break is going okay so far. I've been having a hard time coming up with a visual metaphor for it, so I was thrilled when One Big Happy provided one this Sunday:See, in this scenario I'm the creep in the leather jacket, and Spring Break is personified as the unsuspecting prude. Or maybe it's the other way around. Only time will tell.

I haven't been watching CSI: Miami the past few months (as I mentioned earlier). I know, I know, I'm a terrible person, but it was getting old, okay? Also, it was on the same time as Studio 60, which was slightly less predictable.

But I decided that Spring Break is nothing if not a chance to let go your inhibitions, so there I was, sitting on the couch at 9 p.m., watching a few more hot babes walk by while the camera jumped around to the beat of some hot new hippity-hop song.

Let me just put it right out there: Horatio is back, ya'll.

This episode was a goddamned rollicker from start to finish. We started off with the typical high-class party function, with the aforementioned crazy jump shots, hot babes, and hippity-hop, but there were a noticible number of frames of the menacing, spiky ice sculpture centerpiece....located, handily enough, directly beneath a balcony. Our inevitable suspect of a hot blonde wife stands up to make her self-congratulting toast and solidify her alibi. A gunshot is heard amid the popping of champagne corks and her wealthy husband cries out, stumbles over the railing, and gets FUCKING IMPALED ON THE FUCKING ICE SCULPTURE.

I thought this would be the high point of the intro; I mean, how are you gonna top an ice sculpture impalement? Answer: Horatio Caine pre-credits one-liner from Hell (I want the soundtrack for this video on my iPod...when I get a new one).

Here's the final exchange:
Autopsy Lady (Alex, now that I think of it): Shot in broad daylight, in a house full of people? Horatio, that's cold blooded.
Horatio Caine: Yes, Alex. It's as cold...(puts sunglasses on) ice.

Awww yeah, it's good to be back.

While the rest of the show never quite approached this level of awesomeness, it was still a pretty great episode of CSI: Miami, which makes it one of the better 43 minutes of television ever to be aired. I'd hate to ruin it for anyone, but here's a quick rundown of the highlights:

-The dude who got killed? It wasn't even him. It was a hired double.

-The wife who was making the speech somehow managed to leave her DNA in the room where her husband was killed. How? Simple: IDENTICAL TWINS.

-But wait, witnesses confirm that the twin was at the gym. Well shit there goes the case...or does it? Remeber that old brain teaser about the two kids, born on the same day to the same mother and father, who weren't twins? Well these two are in a similar situation, because they are not twins....they are two in a set of IDENTICAL TRIPLETS.

The twists just kept coming. To be fair, the episode was called Triple Threat, so I had a hunch that perhaps a second bomb was about to drop in the final 15 minutes. Still, it kept me on my toes, which is more than I can say for the average eppy ( I use this contraction not to seem cool, nor to save time, but to annoy Sam Walker) of House.

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At 11:51 PM, March 19, 2007, Blogger hannah said...

I think you just found your grad speech.

At 12:07 AM, March 20, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

I was confused by your comment for a second there hannah. I thought you meant this entire post. But now I believe you were making the excellent suggestion that I merely spout Horatio Caine one-liners for 7 minutes.

I could deal with that.

At 4:40 PM, March 20, 2007, Blogger hannah said...

although i showed my friend kent the credit union essay last night and he says he'll pay you $2 if you read that.

At 8:17 PM, March 20, 2007, Blogger Houley said...

oh credit union essay. McSweeney's never got back to me on that :(

At 10:48 PM, March 20, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can see kent saying that.

At 9:19 AM, March 23, 2007, Blogger fayna said...



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