Saturday, April 21, 2007

Pain Don't Hurt

Road House is an unparalleled cinematic achievement. I'm sure I've raved about Road House on here before, but I just watched it again and I've gotta say: it keeps getting better.

12 second summary: Patrick Swayze is Dalton, the best bouncer in the business, and he's been hired to clean up the Double Duece, a notoriously nasty nightspot. But when he gets on the wrong side of local crime boss Brad Wesely, Dalton soon finds that the drunks at the club are the least of his worries.

I was enjoying it so much as I watched that I decided to do this post during the screening. As watching dudes' throats get torn out tends to wipe my memory banks pretty clean of anything other than the throat tearing action, I took a few notes. I noticed that my observations almost all rounded out nicely into groups of three. I took it as a sign.

A sign of what? I'll leave that question to the philosophers. Let's get rockin'.

How you can tell,from just the DVD case, that you're about to watch a really great film

1. The director's name is Rowdy.

2. The reviews on the case describe the movie as "a violent, tough-guy thriller" and "True entertainment. Corrupt. Sexy. Violent."

3. This picture is on said case.

Great lines I've never noticed before, despite my having watched this movie an almost shameful number of times (that number being about 7 or so, I'd wager)

1. The main goon, while tangling with the Swayz, says "I used to fuck guys like you in prison." Remind me to use that one next time I'm fighting a shirtless, five-foot-five killing the death...on a beach...while wearing all denim.

2. At the Double Deuce, a big creepy guy invites a listless drunk to kiss a woman's breasts for the low, low price of $20 (That's just $10 a can!). The drunk begins to grope the woman, and the big creep says "Well? What are you waiting for? Why don't you kiss 'em?" The drunk replies "Because I don't have $20." Then the creep punches him and all hell breaks loose.

3. Waitress to Dalton on his first night: "Don't worry about [Big hairy jerkoff whose name I forget]. He was born an asshole; he just got bigger."

Connections to other great films

1. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective: The bad guys have a fuckin MONSTER TRUCK, which they of course utilize to grand effect.

2. The Big Lebowski: Ben Gazzara, better known as Jackie Treehorn, plays a similarily slimy, if slightly more homicidal, villain in Brad Wesely, and Sam "The Stranger" Eliot shows up as Swayze's grizzled mentor.

3. Ghost, Dirty Dancing, Point Break, Red Dawn, The Fox and the Hound 2, and countless others: it stars the one, the only, Patick Swayze.

One final footnote: Tonight, for the first time, I noticed that Ernie, the bartender at the DD, was none other than the great Keith David in an early role.I recognized him from numerous small parts in big movies, and a recurring role on E.R., but a visit to the Internet Movie Database revealed a much more impressive credit which I'm suprised I've missed before now: Mr. David is the voice of the Arbiter from Halo 2.
Now that's what I call street cred.

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At 11:41 PM, April 21, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

Just when you thought theater in New York had squeezed every ounce of camp out of every premise of every tale that originated in another genre in the big bad world of entertainment, and just when you thought that the mullet had finally faded into the ancient annals of hairstyles past, comes the off-Broadway production of ROAD HOUSE: The Stage Version Of The Cinema Classic That Starred Patrick Swayze, Except This One Stars Taimak From The 80’s Cult Classic "The Last Dragon" Wearing A Blonde Mullet Wig. If the extensive title does not tell it all, the press release appropriately sums up this adaptive play as a "Fightsical."

At 5:21 AM, April 22, 2007, Blogger Lily White said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 11:11 AM, April 22, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

lily white, you're kind of creepy. Sorry, but I'm just not comfortable discussing mullets with you.

and I did mention Sam Elliot in the post.

At 3:42 PM, April 22, 2007, Blogger CoachDub said...

I will agree that the whole larynx-removal aspect of this film makes it a true masterpiece.

At 6:51 PM, April 22, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

When a man sticks a gun in your face, you've got two choices. You can die...or you can kill the motherfucker.

At 10:36 PM, April 22, 2007, Blogger Lily White said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 11:20 PM, April 22, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

also, creepy

At 12:23 PM, April 23, 2007, Blogger Houley said...

jeez max, you're prickly like a cactus. at least she's not jon cox.

At 10:51 PM, April 23, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

Man, jon cox is fucking sweet.

Did you SEE those art projects?

Hey, lily white went away. Three cheers.


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