Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Looks Like The Streets Of Miami Just Got A Whole Lot More Dangerous

I've put this off long enough:

There are many people who claim that 24 (or any other show for that matter) is the most rocking show on TV, and that Jack Bauer (stupid name) is their hero. These people are at best willfully ignorant, at worst mean-spirited and deceptive. Anyone who knows anything knows the best show and character on TV are found only on NBC, Mondays at 9 p.m.: CSI: Miami, and Horatio Caine.

For more about the show, click here for friendly (if thouroughly outdated) Canadian information.

Now, on to the important part: Horatio Caine, played by the transcendental David Caruso. He is the no-nonsense, straight-talking, indefatigable chief of the Miami crime scene investigation dept, and the most hardcore manly man on the small screen.

Seriously, this guy is the biggest bad-ass since Slim Pickens shot a baby in its crib. He may be a mere crime scene investigator, called to the scene only after the crime has been committed, but that doesn't stop him from shooting, on average, at least one crook every week. I don't care if they've got a sniper rifle, an AK-47, or an Uzi, Horatio (or "H," as his faithful CSIs call him) is coming at them, armed with only his sidearm and sense of justice.

As exciting as his action scenes are, it is Horatio's dramatic mannerisms and one-liners that make this show what it is. Every show opens with a murder (usually in a thumping Miami nightclub), then cuts to Horatio investigating the scene, talking with an assistant. Just before the credits kick in, H puts on his sunglasses and says something like "Looks like the streets of Miami just got a whole lot more dangerous" or (in the case of an assasination attempt on a popular rapper) "Looks like he's going to be number 1...with a bullet." Donning and removing of sunglasses is vital to Caruso's delivery, as are his constant akimbo (hands on hips) stances and habit of showing up just when the crook least expects it; for example: appearing in their rear-view mirror just as they close the car door.

I'll leave you with a final slice of Horatio: an armed member of a hispanic gang Horatio recently challenged tells H "You're dead, man!" and moves to raise his gun. H blows him away point blank and says "Join the club."


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At 10:52 PM, May 16, 2006, Blogger Kid C said...

Best post ever on this blog.

At 11:24 PM, May 16, 2006, Blogger hannah said...

two words:
prison. break.

you fools are fools.

"hi, my name is charles westmoreland. in 1971, i held a plane of 700+ passengers until i was paid 1.5 million dollars, and then parachuted out never to be caught or seen again. oh, and by the way, that 1.5 million? actually it's about 15 million and it's buried under a silo in utah. fucking right."

"hi, my name is michael scofeild. my brother was wrongly accused of murdering the vice presidents brother. i happened to work for the firm that houses the blueprints of the prison he's being held in while awaiting his death penalty, so i just went ahead, tattooed them on my body, held up a bank, and busted him and 8 others out. fucking right. also, i'm eye fucking the shit out of you right now."

um yeah i don't know prison break rules.

At 1:36 PM, May 17, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

Horatio Caine's most redeeming characteristic is that he bears a slight resemblance to Conan O'Brien.

At 8:34 PM, May 17, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

Horatio Caine's most redeeming characteristics in descending order:
1.His unerring sense of justice.
2.His dead aim with a 9 mm.
3.His love of children.
4.His resemblance to Conan O'Brien.

Prison break sucks, and I'm proud of this post.

At 7:48 PM, May 18, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

Michael Jackson's most redeeming characteristics in descending order:
1.His love of children.
2.His dead aim with a 9 mm.
3.His resemblance to Conan O'Brien.
4.His unerring sense of justice.
5.Thriller music video.

I'm proud of this comment.


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