Thursday, June 22, 2006

do YOU have what it takes to join the bread party?

get our your pens and pencils! the first ever official bread party poll/questionnaire is here! it's a simple test. really.

1.) What is your favorite type of bread?
a.) White
b.) Wheat
c.) Pumpernickel
d.) Unleavened

2.) What do you put on toast?
a.) Margarine
b.) Butter
c.) Jelly
d.) Peanut Butter

3.) If you were alone and stranded on an island, which of the following would you desire?
a.) A Bread Maker
b.) A Toaster
c.) A Field of Wheat
d.) A Bread Tree

4.) Which Bread song is your favorite?
a.) “Make It With You”
b.) “If”
c.) “The Guitar Man”
d.) “Truckin’”

5.) Which Manly Mustache intrigues you the most?
a.) Max Kuehn
b.) Fayna
c.) Cameron Holmes
d.) Josh Johnson

...and here is the deep bread party analysis.

Question one:
If you chose letter A: You’re not exactly the best Bread Party material. Sure, you have room to improve—but we bread partiers embrace all aspects of life—not just bland whiteness.

If you chose letter B: So you like wheat bread…I’ll bet you like the Bread Party! You’re definitely familiar with section 2, subpoint c of the bread party manual which states: “the best bread partier enjoys high carbohydrate, protein, and vitamin consumption.” You are probably equally as aware that wheat bread provides these highly essential goodies to your diet. Well done fellow bread brethren!

If you chose letter C: You like pumpernickel? I’ll bet you didn’t know that pumpernickel is 100% rye bread…the Bread Party believes that 50% of anything is more than enough. We’re neutral. 50%=good. Oops, looks like YOU made a mistake. Feel free to consult our Bread Party Therapists…they’ll get you back on track to a "wholesome" life. (ahh! Get it?)

If you chose letter D: I’ll bet you’re religious. Watch out now—you better not be TOO religious. Perhaps you should consult “Father Bread” on how to live a loafier, grainy lifestyle.

Question two:
If you chose letter A: Hey! Fatty! Bread Party members are in shape. Go run.

If you chose letter B: If you use “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!”—We hate you. The Bread Party strongly dislikes Fabio.
If you use any other type of butter, you’re in!

If you chose letter C: Not only are you a healthy aficionado de pan, but you have many varieties to choose from! The Party represents equality, and with no specific views on anything, any type of jelly goes!

If you chose letter D: Remember: We solve all of our problems with bread. Peanut butter generally leads to a sticky mouth…and the only solution: eat more bread! NO milk, pop, water, or juice for you…but feel free to guzzle the bread shake to quench your thirst.

Question three:
If you chose letter A: You have made a wise choice! But beware young grainhopper, you have no electricity or dough for this bread maker! Fool!

If you chose letter B: Ahh! You must enjoy toast! But, according to our record selling book “Bread Party for Dummies” you must have bread to make toast. No bread=no toast.

If you chose letter C: Alas! The correct decision! We love hard workers…and that’s what it’s going to take for you to turn your wheat into bread. In a few months you’ll have a full stomach.

If you chose letter D: You’re an idiot. There is no such thing as a bread tree. You aren’t quite bread party material.

Question four:
If you chose letter A: Wonderful selection! You’re a Partier at heart, and live life at the beat of your own drum. You can be defined by the song itself—
“Life can be short or long,
love can be right or wrong”
—deep thoughts. You’re in!

If you chose letter B: Well aren’t you the interesting Bread Party person. You lean a bit to the “emo/goth” side of life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You identify yourself with the lyrics,
“If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.”
It’s frightening that you only think about death, but the aforementioned “you” obviously means the Bread Party. You’re always thinking about us…You’re in!

If you chose letter C: You’re our musical member. You find yourself in one of these situations at least once a day:
-While in the grocery store, you pretend a loaf of bread is a microphone and begin singing.
-In the shower you practice singing the Bread National Anthem.
-You visit this site at least once a day.
-You don’t know how to play the spoons—you play the breads.
Perhaps Bread sums up your life best with your favorite song:
“Somethin' keeps him goin' miles and miles a day
To find another place to play.”
You’re in!

If you chose letter D: You’re…the indecisive breadperson. You can’t really make up your mind…but then again, as a member of our Party, you’re not allowed to. Good job. Just like your favorite song, you’re
“Always in a hurry
Always in between”
and that sits quite well with us. You’re in!

Question five:
If you chose letter A: Hey! Give yourself +10 bonus points. You’ve chosen a founder of the Bread Party…the most intelligent member, and the godfather of bread eating. Welcome…we’ve been waiting for you!

If you chose letter B: Wonderful! This Bread Man knows bread the best. If you travel to Italy and/or give Fayna an American green card, you’ll earn “member-for-life” status.

If you chose letter C: Oh! It’s another man who developed the foundation for what the bread party has become today. You’ve chosen the best actor. What’s his secret? A slice of wheat before each performance. He’s the hardest working hardware man in town, and he knows the values of our Party like no other.

If you chose letter D: You probably abuse little…young pieces of bread. You accept bread abuse as a natural part of your life. You are not a good member of the Bread Party.

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At 5:16 AM, June 22, 2006, Blogger robbie said...

What a fucking test!!!!! That's amazing... I've a bad headache!!!! No no, I can't do it.. I can't, sorry.

At 11:01 AM, June 22, 2006, Blogger Samwalkertron said...

1. Of course bread trees exist.

2.Neither Cameron nor Josh Johnson are officially members of the Bread Party.

3. French Bread, as well as the delicious Red Lobster Cheese Biscuits.

At 12:11 PM, June 22, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this has to be the most well thought out post in mustache history. My hat is off to you

At 12:35 PM, June 22, 2006, Blogger keuber said...

sam, you're taking the fun out of this.

1.) that's not a BREAD tree. it's a breadfruit tree. (fruit is not equal to bread)
2.) the question is "which MANLY MUSTACHE" not bread partier...and cameron was at THE Bread Party...unlike you.
3.) i have no idea what your third point was in reference to.

At 3:38 PM, June 22, 2006, Blogger Samwalkertron said...

My third point was accidentaly left unfinished.

3. French Bread, as well as the delicious Red Lobster Cheese Biscuits, are notably absent from the favorite bread list.

At 11:26 PM, June 22, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

Hey. I've been to Italy. Does this guarantee me "member-for-life status," or is that ex post facto?

At 1:21 PM, June 23, 2006, Blogger the dain train said...

people say i look italian, and i am getting facial hair. does that count for anything?

At 12:44 AM, June 24, 2006, Blogger Sherlock said...

Sam, of COURSE I'm a committed official Bread Party member.
I know mediocrity to be vital to our success as a nation, which is why the most mediocre people, such as myself, make such excellent members.

At 1:18 AM, June 24, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...


I was worried about how the blog was doing, but this post proves that my fears were unfounded.


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