Eddie Kim Will Kill You

I found this silly Manly Mustaches Official Guidebook in my old documents. I figured I might as well put it up here. Publish or perish, as they say!

Manly Mustaches Official Guidebook
Text By Maxwell Kuehn





Table of Contents

I. Introduction
II. Appearance
III. Attitude
IV. Shooting
V. Driving
VI. Passing
VII. Playbook







Disclaimer: While reading through this booklet, you may notice that it seems to have been written for an exclusively male audience. This is not done to further any deliberately misogynistic views, merely out of the assumption that no one without a Y-chromosome could stand the sort of company one would be forced to keep in order to attend practices and games. Team members will have to keep the company of, on a weekly basis, Josh Johnson, a wisecracking jackass with terrible hair. Also, the name “Manly Mustaches” may be off-putting for some of the fairer sex. We wish to assure you that membership on the team will be based solely on basketball skills, and that any whisker-based considerations will be entirely inconsequential. Which is not to say that women are incapable of growing facial hair; with the help of daily affirmations and hormone therapy, many women are able to grow impressive beards and mustaches, often leading to a stable livelihood in a traveling circus. No offense is meant to bearded women who choose non-sideshow based professions; many a mustachioed women has gone on to long and celebrated career as an accountant, pilot, or doctor.

I. Introduction

In this world, is the destiny of mankind controlled by some transcendental entity or law? Is it like the hand of God, hovering above? At least it is true that man has no control, even over his own will. However, there is a way to break loose and seize your destiny by the horns: Join the Manly Mustaches. This rouge band of vengeful samurai have taken it upon themselves to punish the wicked…at basketball. Yes, only through the basic, primal struggle of a basketball game can justice truly be served to those most deserving, by those with the maddest skill sets. To thrive, you need only be pure of heart and driven to succeed. And tall, tall is good. The path before you is not easy; it is fraught with dangers and obstacles, real and imagined, external and within. But those who stay the course will receive a reward beyond anything they can imagine: A really bitchin’ T-shirt.

II. Appearance

Appearance is the first subject covered for a reason: style is everything! No matter how little true abilities or skills you posses, if you play with flair, you come out on top. Don’t listen to people who claim that points and rebounds and wins matter; they are nerds who are angry because what you do won’t fit into their calculators. Not sure if you agree? Take this simple test. Which situation do you prefer?

After a full shot-clock’s worth of smothering defense, the opposing team is forced to throw up a poor shot. The center pulls down the rebound, hands off to the point guard. He takes it slowly up the court, allowing his team to set up a simple play. Everybody sets picks, passes to the open player, and constantly shouts encouragements. A forward works for a little bit of space, gets the ball, and puts up a midrange jumper. He runs up to follow, but it drops in, so he turns and sprints to catch up with the rest of his team, already back on defense. Crickets chirp.
Playing to the crowd, your team is too busy posing and joking to play defense. The opposing point guard drives in for a lay-up, but the center fouls him hard. The ref whistles, and he and the center gets into a shouting match before being ejected to rousing applause. Both free throws swish through, but no one cares. The center inbounds off the back of an opposing player, then whips it down to half-court to the small forward, who rolls the ball on the ground before flicking it over his opponent with his feet. The forward then kicks the ball out of mid-air to another player, who throws a no look to the center, who storms down the lane, knocking over two opponents. The center goes to the hoop, but passes at the last moment to the point guard at the top of the key, who throws up a behind the back alley-oop off the backboard to an onrushing forward. The backboard shatters, and the whole team starts doing push-ups. The ref blows his whistle, calls your team for kicking, traveling, un-sportsmanlike conduct, and four offensive fouls. All five players converge on the ref, yelling and shouting until they’re all thrown out. The crowd goes wild.

If you picked B, congratulations! You’re a perfect fit for the team. What’s your T-shirt size? If, however, you picked A, you may as well just drop this booklet, hike your pants up even further, charge your calculator battery, and go buy Spurs season tickets.

The Manly Mustaches Look
A. The T-shirt
If you’ve followed all the protocols correctly, you ought to have your T-shirt by now. Look at it. Hold it in your hands. Go to school naked, except for the T-shirt. It is the biggest perk of team membership. You must wear it at all times on the court, and preferably when off it. Machine wash, tumble dry.




B. The Shorts
Wear your shorts as low or high as you please. Not too low, or people will think you think you’re black. You’re not. Or, you’re almost certainly not, if this pamphlet is to be distributed solely within the Brainerd Lakes Area. Anyways, no one needs to see your boxers (or briefs, if you like it snug), but it can be equally bad, if not worse, to pull your waistband up to nipple-height. If you feel a desire to do so, you’re done. Turn in your T-shirt and go buy some suspenders and a new pocket protector.

C. The Shoes
That black guy in those old MJ commercials is right: It is the shoes. Any shoes are all right, although flip-flops may prove problematic. High-tops can be very stylish, Chuck Taylors are always in, and ratty old gym-shoes are all the rage. The really important part is inside the shoe: Dr. Scholl’s gel insoles. They give you the support and confidence you need to play your very best. Plus, you get can make hilarious references to those “Are you gellin’?” commercials. Remember those? Those were great.

D. The Accessories
Accessories are by far the most important part of your uniform. Those seven armbands and platinum fronts are the only thing separating you from any average Joe with a rocking T-shirt. Tattoos can be an vital ingredient in your look, and don’t worry about removal: a simple combination of lasers and acid can sear your skin back to normal once you tire of your “ink.” Gaudy jewelry, in moderation, can add to your persona. The extra weight is well worth it. When your opponent dashes by you on a fast-break, just ask yourself: would you rather outpace your rival by half a step down the court, or absolutely blow him out of the water in terms of “bling?” Your fans will agree. Heavy rings can also come in handy when the inevitable bench-clearing brawls occurs each game.

III. Attitude
How you conduct yourself on and off the court is a major part of the Manly Mustaches experience. You are an ambassador to the world, the charge de` affaires for our team to the rest of the earth’s residents. Just remember: You are way better than all those other assholes. Give no respect, and demand everything in return. In short, represent. Slight variations on this main theme apply to interactions with different members of society.

A. Teammates
Your teammates are the only people who even come close to you in terms of social standing, which means you must work especially hard to tear down and discredit them. While physical violence can solve most disputes easily and cleanly, verbal attacks can often be just as damaging without the risks associated with Mortal Kombat. Attack weight, height, intelligence, anything to gain the upper hand. If you are unable to find any weaknesses to exploit in your target, simply make hyperbolic observations about how his mother is so fat that the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

B. Opponents
If you can put off ripping on your fellow Mustaches for a moment, it’s always good to get in a few shots at the members of the opposing squad. If your adversary seems to be “spitting hot fire” with his insults, a quick elbow to the ribs or slap to the nuts ought to shut him up. If not, complain to the ref.

C. Non- Team Members
Common citizens, or “normys” as we call them, are in every way beneath you. They are lucky merely to be in your presence and to bask in the soft glow of your aura. Members of the proletariat may feel compelled to throw themselves at your feet, and custom demands that you walk across them. Just try not to kill anyone. That tends to lead to lots of red tape, and sometimes even a token court appearance.

D. The Ref
Here is where your attitude really becomes important. Just pretend that the ref is a great friend of yours, and by making any call against you, no matter how obvious, he is violating the terms of your loving friendship. Practice holding your hands out, palms up, while keeping the expression of utmost shock and disgust on your face. How could you do this to me, ref? After all we’ve been through? If you feel a call is particularly unjust, or you’re tired and want to go shower, get into a shouting match with the ref. See how close you can get to his face before he throws you out. It’s fun! Be sure to make the most of your ejection, slamming the ball or throwing it into the stands, swearing at fans, taking off your T-shirt as you leave the gym, all that good stuff.

VI. Shooting

Jump shots may seem archaic and boring when applied to the Manly Mustaches style of play. After all, who wants to make a 15-foot jumper when they could just as easily miss badly on a twirling, traveling behind the back floater? However, if used sparingly, from the correct locations, and with plenty of theatrics, jump shots can form an important part of any performance, or “game.”

A. Location
The most important thing to remember when locating your shots is to always, always, always be behind the three-point arc. Balls shot from this range that pass through the hoop are worth three points instead of two, helping to offset your terrible defense. This may strike you as a “low percentage” strategy, but tis nobler to set aloft a Hail Mary half-court hook and bean a teammate than to sink a boring, routine midrange jump shot.

B. Technique
Not important. You can throw the ball up there any way you please, lefty, one handed, jump hook, header, eyes closed, pelvic thrust, dropkick, behind the back, whatever. Just get it into the air so you can start playing to the crowd.

C. Theatrics
By far the most vital part of shooting the ball, this is where you decide if you will be a boring nerd who throws up all bricks or a maverick showman who isn’t afraid to miss a few shots. Just remember: no matter how badly you suck at shooting, people will forget all about it if you can entertain them. Because of its importance, this topic will be divided into two categories: Before The Shot, and After The Shot. All moves are put into brackets, allowing for easy reference when studying plays.

1.Before The Shot
Before even thinking about your playacting, ask yourself: Am I behind the arc? If not, get their quick. Once you have the ball, {check your feet}, putting your toes just outside the line. Lick a finger and hold it aloft to {test the wind}. If you plan to bank the shot, {call bank}. Really, you can always {call bank}, even if you don’t plan to bank the shot, just to be a badass. Shoot the ball.

2. After The Shot
After completing your shooting motion, keep your shooting hand in the air and {hold it}. Keep your eyes on your shot, even as you {backpedal} back on defense, because why should you follow when you know it’s going in? Continue to {hold it} as you {backpedal}, going as far as possible down the court.

V. Driving

The basis of any fundamentals-challenged showboat’s game comes when he “puts the ball on the floor” and “takes it to the hole.” Drives are flashy, selfish, dangerous, and totally badass; in other words, a perfect fit for the Manly Mustaches style of play. As you are almost certainly unable to dunk (being a 17 year old white boy from central Minnesota), you will have to settle for spinning, leaping floaters and ridiculous, or “stupid,” lay-ups.

A. Starting The Drive
Often the most difficult part of beginning your run at the hoop is getting by your opponent. You may want to execute a {crossover}, use a massive {head fake}, or simply bounce the ball between their legs in a classic {nutmeg} maneuver, making huge, jerky movements to heighten the effect. Once your opponent is lying dazed on the floor, both his ankles twisted in entirely wrong directions and bleeding like Curt Schilling, you can enter the lane.

B. In The Lane
Hold the ball like a loaf of bread, twirling and throwing elbows in your fight for the hoop. Don’t worry about traveling calls: those are for timid rookies. Whenever possible, make eye contact with your opponent, just to let him know who’s boss. Try to keep staring at him even as you put the ball towards the hoop, {no look lay-up} style. If anyone dares to make contact with you, throw the ball towards the hoop and send yourself sprawling across the floor. A foul call should follow; if not, feel free to scream at the ref. That’s somebody’s kid out there!

C. At the Hoop
Once you get within range, you have a wide variety of options. You can send up a {finger roll}, go {under the leg}, or turn around and throw a wild shot {over your shoulder} like Kobe after his latest acquittal. Anything is possible. Bounce the ball of the backboard to yourself, hold it in your teeth, stick your arm in the rim, whatever. If by some miracle the ball goes in, do your best to grab it, lay it in again, then drop it because it is so hot from your mad drive.

VI. Passing

Many astute, thoughtful people have questioned the importance of passing. After all, what possible good can come from deliberately giving the ball to someone other than you? Actually, there are several benefits that can be derived from this antiquated concept. Firstly, if you can trick other team members into passing, they will often give the ball back to you. Also, passing can be an excellent opportunity for hot-dogging if done well, or at least flashily.

A. Standard (Boring) Passes
A bounce pass hits the floor once before coming to a teammate’s hands. A chest pass is tossed through the air directly to a teammate. Don’t worry about practicing these techniques; you will virtually never use them.

B. Irregular (Hardcore) Passes
If you must give the ball away, you might as well do it with a bang. Even if your pass sails far wide or low or high of its target, your fans will remember the passer, not the pass. There are several varieties of irregular passes, ranging from way cool to totally tubular.

{No Look}
When executing a {no look} pass, make sure you look in the complete opposite direction of your pass. Nothing could be less of a giveaway than a sudden head jerk to the right, just before a pass left. Whoa! Who saw that coming? He wasn’t even looking that way!
{Behind The Back}
{Between The Legs}
{Over The Shoulder}
{In The Shirt}
If your shirt is sufficiently large, simply stuff the ball up it so the ball rests against your stomach. Now spin the ball to your left and watch your opponent double take as the ball comes out on the right side and sails to teammate. He will often be able to score unmolested as your opponents will be frozen with awe and reluctant to touch the ball now that it’s been doused in your stinky belly sweat.

VII. Playbook
Once you master the basics of hammy showboating, you’re ready to learn the official plays of the Manly Mustaches. You may notice that many seem to rely upon unlikely circumstances. These are included because we as a team must be prepared for any situation, be it a 2-on-none fast break, a 3-on-one fast break, or a simple dunk contest.

P.S.: I also found a 3 page single spaced document entitled The Manly Mustaches Manifesto. Classy.