Thursday, September 14, 2006

Neunundneunzig Problems

My dad has four brothers, which gives me four uncles from Wisconsin. So when I got a call tonight and I heard "This is your dad's brother," I had to think quick. Was it Kim, Rick, Pat, or Skip? I hesitated, and he took mercy on me and said "This is Skipper. Is your dad around?" I told him no and asked if he had a message, and Skip says "Well, just tell him is older brother by a year and a half called and told him to eat shit and die."

Oh man, Skip is sweet. I laughed a lot at that line, but my momma didn't get it. So is it a guy thing? Or just a Kuehn guy thing?

My dad has stories about Skip. Back in Milwaukee (and later in San Fran), when people would stop and ask Skip for directions, he would act all helpful, sometimes even draw them a map, and give them completely wrong directions.

"Okay, so you're gonna go down two blocks, then turn right BEFORE the bridge. You'll see a big yellow sign, turn left there, go down about 8 blocks, two quick rights, and you're right there."

Strikes me as a real Sam Walker thing to do. Except it would require talking to peolpe, so probably a no go there. Sam would just doctor road maps at rest stops. And hack mapquest so it would direct you into narrow alleys and dead ends and small lakes. And poison the town's water supply.

P.S.: I'm officially a National Merit Semifinalist. Whooo. The important thing here is that it means that this picture will be appearing in the Brainerd Daily Dispatch:Man, I 'd forgotten how much I owned the PSAT. I mean, I don't usually like to brag about test scores, but 230? Outta 240? Linda says I set the school record, which means I pretty much deserve my name engraved somewhere. Until some enterprising young 'un comes up with a 232 of course. Then it'll be him with the goddamned target on his back.

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At 3:07 PM, September 15, 2006, Blogger Amelia said...

you rock with the quickness!
congratulations on the NMSF!

At 4:45 PM, September 15, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

Try this math on for size:
230 < 36. :P

Any ideas about other NMSFs?

Some advice from one NMSF to another:
1) hire a bodyguard immediately.
2) know that you've got the administration - and basically any college - wrapped around your pinkie.
3) watch for fliers from Cold Springs.
4) go to Cold Springs.
5) seriously. it's probably not a gay ranch or anything.
6) be prepared to have all sorts of people - janitors, lunch ladies, Mrs. Niemi - comliment you on your achievements
7) on second thought, hire another bodyguard, and have him just monitor Sam Walker
8) make a puff-paint shirt that shows off your vast knowledge
9) take the red pill. Remember that.
10) feel free to shove other non-NMSFs into lockers or bathroom stalls. After all, you have two bodyguards.

Anyway, congrats.

At 4:46 PM, September 15, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

11) learn how to spell compliment. It's a valuable life skill.

At 8:15 PM, September 15, 2006, Blogger CoachDub said...

From one NMSF to another, I will tell you this: Membership has its privileges.
The national convention is my favorite time of year. I love getting together with all the other past winners. It's like our own little community.
Congratulations, and welcome to the club.

At 10:15 PM, September 15, 2006, Blogger The Clarinet Goddess said...

NOTE: This is Logan. I'm on Crystal's computer, and didn't take the time to log out before typing.

From one NMSF to another: ...
OK, I got nothing. I have no idea what we are suppossed to do or anything, but I got stopped by Hewitt today, so watch out for him.

At 10:25 PM, September 15, 2006, Blogger keuber said...

i don't get it,

was that actually "coachdub"?

because if you click on his don't see any of his blogs...


At 11:19 PM, September 15, 2006, Blogger CoachDub said...

Yes, it's me, Andrew. Since I have made the switch to Beta Blogger, I cannot comment on non-Beta blogs with my regular account. So I had to create a new account on old Blogger just for commenting, until the rest of you are forced to make the switch.

At 2:44 PM, September 16, 2006, Blogger bundy said...

congratulations, what happens if you "win" or is there such a thing as "winning" or do you play the the creampuff "everyone's a winner" game. if there's semifinalists, then there's gotta be a winner! fill me in.

At 5:52 PM, September 16, 2006, Blogger mayah said...

fuck yeah there's a winner... 4000 or so become National Merit Scholars, and THEN you really have colleges whipped.

At 2:27 PM, September 17, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

With the exception of *cough cough* MIT and Harvard and such.

At 3:15 PM, September 17, 2006, Blogger mayah said...

yeah, thing is, you can't whip the ivy league...

At 4:58 PM, September 17, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...

Watch me!

Man I got a flyer from Cold Springs. 19 guys on an isolated ranch in the American West for four years.

Best college ever? Yes, yes I believe so.


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