Saturday, April 22, 2006

Mystery Vacation

I've been back from my Mystery Vacation for a while now, and can reveal the destination to anyone who happens not to know: Maui. That's in Hawaii, as some people are not aware.

Basically, my trip was great, but I won't bore you with those details. Instead, I'll tell you about the bad part: you see, while it was a great vacation, it also involved the worst experience of my life.

We flew out of Minneapolis on Saturday at noon, on US Airways/America West (they recently merged). The first flight was uneventful, but we had to transfer in Las Vegas. Immediately upon arriving in Las Vegas, everything confirmed my presumptions that Las Vegas is the Most Depressing Place on Earth. Not only the city (which I only saw from the sky, and later, out the Airport Parking Lot - basically, it's housing developments as far as the eye can see) but the Airport itself. It was dirty and trashy in general, and the terminals had slot machines everywhere. Loud slot machines. And the whole thing smelled of smoke.

Well, I wouldn't let a two-hour layover in this hellhole ruin my vacation, of course. That is, if it was only two hours. We were told twenty minutes before boarding that, apparently, they didn't actually have a plane for us after all (they could have told us this 90 minutes previously, as they have to do a pre-flight checkup for that long). Long story short, we were repeatedly lied to my US Air, along with at least two other flights-worth of people to Maui and at least three other flights. Based on the evidence we had, onnly one plane had flown out on Us Air in the time we were there. And how long was that?


In the most depressing place on earth.

Did I mention that an incredibly grimy Taco Bell (which, disconcertingly, had only one working refrigerator, so all drinks were in the kitchen fridge in the back) was the only available restaurant? And most of the airport was plastered with ceiling-mounted televisions playing a constant loop of comedic airport security guideline skits, starring local washed-up celebrities, washed-up country crooners, and Carrot Top (who, through his sheer terribleness, somehow falls in both categories)? They were hilarious.

Well, anyways. From talkiong to other passengers, we discovered that apparently they were offering to fly people out on Tuesday. Remember that this was currently Saturday night. Luckily my Dad overheard a guy who said that he was a United Preffered Flier, and he had called United as soon as the flight was cancelled and they had put him on on of their flights. So through a fateful combination of:

My step-brother's girlfriend reaching the front of the hundreds-of-people long line at the counters through a mix of pretending to be with a man who was at the counter already and some general nimja-sneakyness, and;

My Dad finally convincing United over the pay phone to accept our tickets on trade-in (as US Air was refusing to transfer anyone to any other airlines) at the exact moment she reached the counter;

We ended up securing a place on a flight leaving at 6 A.M. the following morning. Which, by the time we finally got all the details confirmed, was in two hours. Only someone then realized that Daylight Savings Time went out of effect about four hours previously. So we ended up getting on a plane with the superior-in-every-way United Airlines, and getting to Hawaii. Eventually.

And now, a brief summary of notable events on my trip:

I sat down on a bench in the Las Vegas Airport, only to discover several minutes later that small man who looked remarkably like Gandhi was sleeping underneath me. While well dressed, he was apparently one of the homeless poeple who come in off the streets to sleep in the Airport at night, and my sister and dad witnessed him vomit on the floor several minnutes later. Ironically, there was another man sleeping nearby who actually was supposed to be on our flight, and realy was homeless (and looked it).

My dad was accused by Us Air employees of trying to start a riot.

I witnissed a massive wind turbine under construction on Maui.

I ate delicious Sushi.

I fell in a waterfall (note that this is different than falling down a waterfall).

I bought and read V for Vendetta.

I got snuck up on by a sea turtle which probably weighed about ten times as much as I do.

I attempted, unsuccesfully, to infiltrate the bowels of our hotel.

I saw a sweet watch shop at the San Fransisco airport on the way back, but couldn't stop because we ahd to run to catch our next flight. Woe is me.

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At 11:25 PM, April 22, 2006, Blogger constant_k said...


This post was long and boooring. Good story but Looooong winded.

C'mon pal, shape up. Fit and trim!

At 11:37 PM, April 22, 2006, Blogger Houley said...

Yes! Fit and trim! At least to the point where you're no longer surprised by a humongous, slow, giant sea turtle!

You should have your step-brother's girlfriend teach you some nimja-sneakyness so that you can get away at an opportune time i.e. when walking by a watch shop.

At 12:05 PM, April 23, 2006, Blogger The_Janitor said...

Also it needs some proofreading

At 12:10 PM, April 23, 2006, Blogger Samwalkertron said...

Bah i'm done with this post.


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