Thursday, February 15, 2007

What's The Story, Morning Glory?

House, M.D. is one of my favorite TV shows. Not because it is constantly taking risks and innovating, bringing something fresh every week, although some shows can do that (CSI: Miami, I'm looking at you).

In fact, I like House because it does just the opposite: it delivers basically the same show every week. It takes a winning formula and doesn't alter it. House cracks jokes and bitches about life. Everyone tries to cramp his style, but House wins out in the end, and the patient makes it through his/her quirky-yet-terrifying ailment. House is the only real character; my mom and I (along with, I can only assume, the rest of America) just refer to the other characters by their easily classifiable attributes.

It is now my pleasure to present to you my primer on House, M.D.

CAST
Clockwise from the bottom: House, Australian Doctor, Boss Doctor, Black Doctor, Friend Doctor, and Girl Doctor

Alright, now that you're familiar with the principles, I'll lay out the plotline:


A BRIEF SYNOPSIS OF EVERY EPISODE OF HOUSE EVER MADE
8 pm: Hey, here's a person. Aw fuck, she/he passed out and won't wake up/is bleeding and won't stop/has gone totally fucking nuts!

8:10 pm:
House: Oh Christ, I'm a cripple! Fuck the world!
Black doctor: This patient has some unusual symptoms.
House: Gimme that, you watermelon-loving criminal!

8:12 pm:
House: Problem solved! Jesus Christ I am a charming, handsome rouge! All this and brains too!

8:16 pm:
Girl Doctor: The treatment isn't working!
House: What? Goddamnit, guess you were wrong, you uppity dingbat!

(commercial break)

8:20 pm:
Patient: I don't use drugs/have affairs.
House: It's fuckin drugs/STDs! Problem solved for real this time!

8:30 pm:
Patient: Thank you so much.
House: Fuck you!
Patient: Oh God, I'm relapsing!
House: Shit!

(long commercial break)

8:40 pm:
House: I know what the problem is!
Patient's mother/wife/husband/lover: You said that before and you were wrong!
House: Well I know for sure this time you pea-brained numbskulls! Outta my way!

(commercial break)

8:42 pm:
Australian Doctor: House, you can't do this!
House: Screw off, you panty-waisted, accent-having ninny!

8:45 pm:
Friend Doctor: House, this is morally wrong!
House: Eat a dick!

8:50 pm:
Boss Doctor: House, if you do this you will lose your liscense and your job and you will go to jail!
House: Fuck you, bitch!

8:55 pm:
Everyone in unison: Well House, I guess you were right after all!
House: That's right! Suck it, you stupid motherfuckers!

9 pm:
Announcer: Next week on House....House and his team face the weirdest medical shit ever!
House: AW FUCK!

And that's basically all there is to it. Just tune in every week and you'll be in the flow in no time.

Lather, rinse, and repeat, baby. Always repeat.

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16 Comments:

At 10:56 PM, February 15, 2007, Blogger CoachDub said...

Well done, Max. I just watched that episode on my DVR this afternoon.

 
At 11:50 PM, February 15, 2007, Blogger Pammy said...

i sat and watched house with dale for a few hours one day, it was good. haven't seen it since then though

 
At 12:12 AM, February 16, 2007, Blogger mayah said...

hahahhahahhahaha in my media contexts class we watched a full episode and i explained the theory to my friends in teh class, they all totally agreed.

 
At 12:39 AM, February 16, 2007, Blogger Samwalkertron said...

jesus josh sign into your own fuckin account.

 
At 2:15 AM, February 16, 2007, Blogger matt said...

house is fucking fantastic.

max, lemme help you out with the picture:

house, chase, cuddy, forman (whose name is eric forman (which i find comical because thats the name of the lead in that 70's show), wilson (who was the main student in dead poets society), and cameron.

 
At 7:39 AM, February 16, 2007, Blogger Koreann said...

Bravo, my dear max. Down to the minutes and all. Impressive!

 
At 9:53 AM, February 16, 2007, Blogger Tom said...

i think that the House character is way overdramacized. in fact, i reckon that House, MD is the second worst show on television. I find myself scoffing and saying things like "oh, brother" when i see him carrying out his "unorthodox" methods, and not in a good, endearing way, but more like in an incredulous, annoyed way. they should call it "Oh My Gosh, MD".

 
At 10:10 AM, February 16, 2007, Blogger Houley said...

matt, you really missed the point here.

 
At 2:35 PM, February 16, 2007, Blogger matt said...

actually, mr. houle, i didn't miss the point at all.

i looked at this post in two different ways: one, that max actually enjoys the show and two, that his is being extremely sarcastic about the simplicity of the show. either way, it really didn't matter to me, because i absolutely love the show, partly based on it simplicity. true, if you were to jump in and watch a random episode, you would be able to follow along, unlike other medical dramas, such as grey's anatomy, where you have to know what happened in the episode before in order to follow along. however, if you watch the show on a consistent basis, different plotlines begin to develop, making the show somewhat less about the medical part and house's unorthodox methods and more about the development of the characters, especially a breakdown of the reasons why house acts like a prick most of the time. the problem is is that these plotlines are dragged out due to the emphasis on the medical part of the show, which max nicely pointed out.

i agree that the makers of house do have that certain formula to which they stick to if they have nothing else to go with. however, despite the somewhat repetitiveness of the content material at times, there is more to the show than apparently meets the eye.

 
At 4:40 PM, February 16, 2007, Blogger Kid C said...

Great post, Max!

 
At 10:02 PM, February 16, 2007, Blogger kummet said...

hahahahah loved it!

i hope everyone saw the one where the smart gypsy boy was loosing organs by the minute and they find out in the end it was just a toothpick lodged in his intestines or something. then in the end you go "what the? all that for a toothpick???!!?" yes. that is house.

 
At 10:09 PM, February 16, 2007, Blogger gregariousmime said...

Haha, a fair synopsis!

 
At 1:51 AM, February 17, 2007, Blogger Josh said...

Sorry, I missed one in there:

8:35 pm:
House eats a big handful of pills
House: Down the hatch! Aw yeah!

 
At 11:08 AM, February 17, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

that last one was max

 
At 11:17 AM, February 17, 2007, Blogger Houley said...

so josh is max and pammy is josh, which must be that constant k is pammy.

 
At 11:28 AM, February 17, 2007, Blogger constant_k said...

Neato!

 

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