Tom Ronning, I Will Fight You

About 18 years ago on the border between France and Switzerland, a renegade group of scientists gathered together to create the ultimate tennis player. They loaded up Chuck Norris and a full-grown bull elephant on opposite sides of a super-conducting supercollider, accelerated them to sub-light speed, and rammed them into one another. After the smoke had cleared, a man arose from the rubble and moved to Alexandria. That man was Tom Ronning.

Tom Ronning has never been photographed and few who encounter him live to tell the tale, but the testimony of the handful of survivors has led to the creation of this composite sketch:

Some fun facts about Tom Ronning:

• He once challenged a man to a tennis match in Reno, just to watch him die.
• He only appears once a month when Chuck Norris sees the full moon and transforms.
• The medical term for having all your teeth knocked out by a tennis ball is "Tom Ronning Syndrome."
• He only uses rackets made from the bones and sinews of vanquished opponents.
• Chuck Norris was once black and Mr T. was white, but they played a 2-on-1 tennis match against Tom Ronning and got beat so bad they switched colors.