Cures From The Orient or The Lump Our Lump Is A Jealous Lump

I'm here to tell you about the latest innovation in weight loss technology. It’s called the Lump diet, and it has drained me of feelings of hunger, thirst, and general well-being. Here’s how it works:

First, go to the Diamond House Chinese restaurant in Brainerd. Buy some sesame chicken, bring it home, and eat a whole bunch of it. It may seem delicious and fatty while you eat it, but don’t’ worry; the healing will begin soon.

After you finish gorging yourself, you should start to feel slightly bloated and nauseous. This is the result of the patented conglomeration process in which the individual chunks of chicken combine together into a single, indivisible, indigestible lump in the pit of your stomach. Here’s an easy test to see if you’ve performed the procedure right: does your stomach feel as if it contains a fist-sized lump of clay covered in stinging nettles? 10 pounds of nails in a burlap sack? 3 license plates suspended in ziplock bag full of maple syrup? If so, you’re on the road to thinness!

This lump is the key to your weight loss. It will fill you up 24 hours a day. If you attempt to eat, smell, or think about any food, the lump will sense your impure thoughts and be gripped by homicidal jealousy. Any other foods introduced into your system will be hunted down and destroyed. The lump may extend all the way up to the back of your throat in pursuit of stray food particles.

So the next time you feel overweight and lonely, remember the Lump diet: Your Key To The Road To Un-Fatness!