"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate." -Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

This morning (well..it's morning for ME...afternoon for most "normal" individuals) I woke up feeling sicker than Bill Murray in Osmosis Jones. (Thank you, Mrs. Harmer)

I've decided to create another mustache questionnaire. This poll is simply entitled, "Which Manly Mustache are YOU?"

The first section of this “exam” provides you with a correlation between religion and the Manly Mustache that you most represent.

Question 1.
When you participate in religious activities, you:
A.) Are familiar with the Rosary.
B.) Are Lutheran.
C.) Sleep in late, “Worship” the Vikings, and “Pray” for a win. (Get it??)
D.) Face East and repeatedly bow.

The next section of this test will determine, in terms of personality, which mustache you most resemble.

Question 2.
Your very first words were:
A.) “MA-MA”
B.) “I hate you.”
C.) “Dirka Dirka”
D.) “Peter North!”

The next portion of questioning will determine who you will most resemble in roughly 10 years.

Question 3.
In the future, you would like to:
A.) Be happy and make a living.
B.) Own 7 slaves.
C.) Change the first name on your birth certificate to “Lucifer.”
D.) Transform into the Antichrist.

The following portion of the test measures how you match up to our “Manly Men” in terms of your quick-witted mental thinking.

Question 4.

When you get into verbal arguments, you respond by saying,
A.) “How about I say potato…and YOU say nothing at all.”
B.) “You better stop talking or I’ll fly a plane into your house.”
C.) “Hey girly man, that water is wet!”
D.) “Yeah. Do you wanna touch my muscles?”

The final part of our questioning examines your sense of style on the road. You’d be surprised, but the type of car you like tells a lot about you.

Question 5.
Of the following Hot Wheels cars, which intrigues you the most?

A.)














B.)











C.)














D.)










And now, your answers.

Question one:

(A.) If you chose A, you are more than likely Catholic. You enjoy a good ol’ mass and are a strong religious Mustache. In terms of religion, you could be classified as a “Josh Bundy.”

(B.) Hey! Look at you! The odds are your entire congregation is white, Scandinavian, and has tried lutefisk at least once in their lives. Keep it up, and try looking for Max. At least I think he’s Lutheran. If not, then you’re a trend-setting Mustache. But, for the time being, in terms of religion, you could be classified as a “Max.”

(C.) Well, Mr./Ms. “Letter C,” it looks like you aren’t too into the spiritual world, but we’ll forgive you. Your passion for sports…and making sleeping a sport…is one of the principle characteristics of your life. If you were a specific Mustache, you would most certainly be Tom Day.

(D.) You may not actually be Islamic, but you certainly look the part. Your characteristics include: being darker in the winter than anyone in the summer, being able to speak “Dirka Dirka” and having a Tariq Abdul-Wahad basketball card collection. For religious purposes, you are Andrew Kubas.

Question two:

(A.) So you chose letter A. We can’t officially verify that any of the Mustaches ACTUALLY said “MA-MA” as their first words, but hey, we’re measuring personality here. You were raised in a gentle, mustache-friendly environment. You are the kind, friendly mustache who has a personality similar to that of Max, Kurt, or Tom. You should try talking with them some time!

(B.) You aren’t exactly the nicest of mustaches. You tend to have a bitter, suicidal view towards the world. You likely live that “excuse-me-while-I-flip-off-the-rest-of-the-world” type of lifestyle. Don’t worry, personality isn’t EVERYTHING. But, in terms of personality, you’re a “Sam Walker.”

(C.) Your first words were “Dirka Dirka,” too? Well, the odds are simple: Either you’re viewing this website from the Middle East, or your name is Andrew Kubas. What’s that? Your last name is Derby? Nope, you didn’t say it right. Personality: Kubas.

(D.) Your personality can be summed up in one word: perverse. You more than likely have a mustache…but it is one found only in the “back section” of the movie store. The average American is afraid to shake your hand on account of…we don’t know where it has been. Please wash it with Warm Water+Soap+At least 30 seconds=Personality of Josh Johnson.

Question three:

(A.) Ahh! You chose letter A! Thank you, friendly mustache. You are what we describe as in a state of mental bliss—you know what you want and how to get it—and don’t worry, it will soon be yours! You are a hard working Mustache and we thank you for that. In a few years you may pass your “barhandle” exam. If law isn’t the career you’re leaning towards, no worries, you’ll be a success at whatever you do! In 10 years you will be living at the same pace as Tom, Kurt, Max, and Bundy. Good job!

(B.) So you chose letter B? Well, you are a Mustache who enjoys a bit of power and authority. The odds are you may drive a truck which is proudly bearing the confederate flag. Newsflash: The South didn’t win. Quick: are you sucking on a piece of straw? If the answer is yes, in 10 years you’ll be right alongside Sam Walker.

(C.) Ok…so you desire to have the name Lucifer. First and foremost: Have you ever seen a picture of the devil with a mustache? Next question: Have you ever realized how SWEET Jesus looks in a mustache? Heck, he’s sporting a FULL BEARD. Beard rearranged=bread which means Jesus belongs to our Party. So, basically, if you want to be named “Lucifer” talk to Sam Walker, because this is the path he’ll be taking in a few years.

(D.) If you thought choices B and C were pretty bad, well D is easily the clincher. A Manly Mustache is typically thought of as someone who brings benefits to humanity. The Antichrist isn’t exactly a GOOD thing. You’re probably wondering, “Who’s going to become the Antichrist in 10 years??” The answer: Sam Walker. That’s right, for those of you keeping track of the score at home, in 10 years Sam will be a 7-person-slave-owning-Antichrist named Lucifer.

Question four:

(A.) If you chose letter A: You are the funniest guy alive. Well, actually you’re not, but you have the wit of the funniest guy alive. You can click here to learn more about the full story. Simply put, you have the clever wit of Maxwell.

(B.) Looks like you have chosen letter B. You aren’t exactly the best arguer in the world. Instead of having your own immediate/clever comebacks, you just instantly resort to using the threat of violence. Not only do you cut to the chase, but better yet you are able to throw in your own religion-bashing statement. You’re a Manly Mustache who responds similar to the way an Andrew Kubas would.

(C.) If you chose letter C, you aren’t the most eloquent of Mustaches. However, you don’t care. When frustrated at another individual, you just throw in random bits and pieces of your life. Your frustration doesn’t get you far, but it sure provides entertainment for anyone who is watching. You are most like Bundy.

(D.) At long last, letter D. You, my friend, just resort to using your muscles. I’ll bet that in your spare time you rub yourself down with oil, wear nothing but a Herculean-like shirt and flex in the mirror. Side effects include: Squatting 305, becoming a 3rd degree black belt, and living without a colon. OK, OK, sure, he’s not TECHNICALLY a Mustache, but I had to throw him in the loop. You most resemble the clever wit of Adam Pelkey.

Question five:

(A.) Our first selection is just plain classy. You drive a car older than any of our readers. As long as you don’t mind the occasional engine failure, it’s a pretty reliable car. It takes you 6 hours of work each day just to pay the cost of gas—but who cares? You get to cruise around in a car playing funky-fresh music and make any male over the age of 45 jealous. You are a Max…or a Lincoln Towncar.

(B.) If you chose letter B, you enjoy living a fast paced life. You paid more for your car than your 73 friends combined, and boy do you hear about it. Little do they know, it’s the car you’ll be stuck with for the next 16 years. Let’s hope it lasts! For the time being, you’re the envy of the block (or entire school) and can pick up chicks left and right. You, my friend, when it comes to your style are most like Josh Bundy…or a Mercury Montego.

(C.) Letter C proves that you are the wisest Mustache. You have picked an affordable car…you are definitely preparing for the future. You made a wise investment—you get a bit more than 20 miles to the gallon, rarely have any problems, and you give many Mustaches rides across the Mustache Nation. You may click with Tom Day, Kurt, or even Sam Walker.

(D.) You are the most economical of Mustaches. Your car may be a bit rugged, and perhaps even unorthodox, but look at the top of this webpage. (You know, the part right underneath the really big “Manly Mustaches” white lettering.) Yes, your car may be pink, and yes, it may be scratched up, but you make up for it by purchasing a frickin’ sweet hula girl and a stinky air freshener. Did we even mention 41 MPG’s? YOU, dear Mustache brother (or sister) have the sleek-and-sexy style of Kubas. Can you tell he just wrote that?

Perhaps you’ve had the personality of just one mustache during this entire poll. Good for you! Maybe you’re a combination of a number of Mustaches. <--Even Better! The Mustaches are taking over the entire world, so you might as well become familiar with them now. Welcome to the Mustache Nation!