Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Grunt, Grunt, Poke-Grunt

Sam Walker just had to loan me Pokemon, and I'm only now realizing how dangerous this game can be. In some ways it lessend me, turning me from an able multi-tasker into a single-minded buffoon, utterly entranced by a beeping, flashing box of electronics. But in others, it has made me so much more. I am no longer mild-mannered Max Kuehn. No, I am TANNER, the hottest thing ever to hit the world of Pokemon. I've seriously been thinking about this damn game all day. I was up until 12:30 last night, fighting my imaginary monsters against electronic people's imaginary monsters. Wowsa.

There is an upside, though. I finally see what I was missing, and it is a lot of fun. I'm sorry if I ever made fun of anyone for playing Pokemon. I feel your pain. And your joys and fears. I think we've almost formed a hive-mind.

In conclusion: Before I played Pokemon, I had so many problems. Now I only have one: Pokemon!

Gotta Catch 'Em All, POKEMON!


Monday, February 27, 2006

what's my secret to beating the sophomores?

In case you need a BETTER look...

I bet you didn't know anabolic steroids were pink.
On a lighter note, I'm calling out ALL mustaches to wear their shirts tomorrow. I'm also mandating that everyone go to the play-in game. 7:00 PM. TUESDAY. FRANKLIN. BE THERE.
After a successful practice at the Y, we're locked and loaded for a "W." ...and The Janitor called a win. so it's guaranteed.


Sunday, February 26, 2006

What's That Word, When Something Isn't Climactic, But It's Like The Opposite?

Reasons why Max is sad:
  • We lost big time.
  • I'm going to have to add someone to my hate list, which I hate to do (not so much because it's mean-spirited, but because it means I must retrieve the list from deep within the catacombs.) Nick Awalt (not spelled right, but I doubt he could do better) was an aggressive, touchy, arrogant, high-strung a**hole the whole night. In twenty years, this guy won't be pumping my gas; he'll be making my license plate.
  • We didn't pull off the amazing play. It was supposed to be a dunk off of my mini-trampoline. I brought it in, but we decided that it didn't look like Awalt's team was going to be playing along, and that made it just too risky. With the off-the-back, there is a slight danger in someone tripping over the person on the ground, but it couldn't be too bad. The trampoline, on the other hand, is a sturdy block of steel wrapped in a thin layer of leather. It has the potential to damage things like bones and organs, so we'll save the trampoline for a more friendly game, or just a wild practice.

Reasons why Max is happy:

  • I just saw an entire band of clowns perform Y.M.C.A. in the Olympic closing ceremonies, and the entire stadium was doing the dance. Those crazy Italians. The opener featured a race car doing donuts to rousing applause from a crowd of thousands, and the closer has the whole crowd singing along to the gay national anthem. Good times.
  • I just got School of Rock, Arrested Development Season 2, and Battlefront II for my birthday. And the tale, of the rent, was way hardcore!
  • Rupert is in a better place now. That place is the garbage. I miss him so much!
  • Play-in game against the sophomores next week. Should be epic.


An Ultimatum

No ads.

-A message from your friendly administrator.

Also, Kurt, I 'm fairly certain you can add items to the sidebar without having to delete old ones, just so you know.


RIP, little buddy

Jan. 23, 2006-
Feb. 26, 2006

Today is a sad day for the mustache community. We have lost one of our brothers. Unfortunately, Rupert was, (for lack of better words) a rotten egg. From the looks of it, he died peacefully.

It's hard to believe that just last Tuesday he predicted a boys basketball victory...and now he's no longer with us to witness our amazing play tonight.

Gentlemen, let's win this one for Rupert!


Saturday, February 25, 2006


I kind of jumped the gun on the whole Adsense thing. Evidently I didn't notice you have to be 18 to get any money and as far as I know none of our contributers are 18 yet. So I have the bar of ad things on the top but I couldn't officially register so I need somebody to figure out how to take them off. We could also leave them on there because a couple of times I saw that one of them said facial hair and another said mustache. You guys can decide if you want to keep them on or figure out how to take them off.


High Flyer

Check it out! I was talking to Tom Day last night and he gave me this tape he filmed of himself a couple of months ago.


Happy Birthday to Me

Big 17 today. Real landmark.

The Manly Mustaches have planned out the stunt of the century with zero practice. We're going to be winging it on game day. The play is so extreme that it would be impossible to practice pre-game or at the YMCA. We're going to have to be silent and swift to pull it off, but I think we can do it. Hill hasn't specifically mentioned this sort of thing as a rule violation, but I have a feeling he'd be willing to make an exception in our case and throw out all involved persons. We've got a couple of the Mustache faithful lined up to clear out the, ahem, evidence, but there's still an excellent chance that the Manly Mustaches could be facing their first real ejection this Sunday. Do you really want to miss that? If there's no way you can catch it live, we are planning to film and then post it on youtube.

If this sounds mysterious and exciting to you, you're reading it right. All will be explained in time.

We need to get "Sweet Georgia Brown" playing during the game. Or at least have the whole team whistle it.



This is, um, my first time.

Anyways, I just wantd to let you all know that I gave everyone admin privelege, so you should all be able to change stuff now.

Also, I added a hit counter like you guys were whining about (look at the very bottom). I set it up to count every time someone views the page, not just unique visitors, so keep that in mind. Also, it won't count any people who visited before right now, of course. And it counts everytime you guys open the page, so please don't sit at home hitting refresh all day. You have better things to do with your lives (like thinking about the amazing dunk-anomaly that is Tom Day).

If you happen to be reading this and are not someone who contributes to this blog, please disregard.


Friday, February 24, 2006

T-Shirt Poll

The Manly Mustaches Public Relations Department invites you to take part in this (very) brief survey. Obviously this poll will be slightly biased based on the fact that no one from the "Savages" or "Wanksta Nation" ever visits this blog. However, with these results the MMPRD will try to improve your visiting experience. I'm sure that the Monstars design will win because all the other shirts (other than maybe the Manly Mustaches) are less extreme than one of Sam Walker's confusing watches, and that is fairly unextreme.

Which Intramural Basketball Shirts are the Coolest?
Manly Mustaches
Team GPA
Showstoppers Senior Year
Showstoppers Junior Year
Showstopper Sophmore Year
Wanksta Nation
Hub City Savages
Monstars (Based on Design Below)
Free polls from Pollhost.com

In other news the Manly Mustaches may not even exist next year. With the teams splitting up The Monstars are already in place and I thought Josh Johnson's team would take on the Manly Mustache name. Unfortunately, Josh Johnson has decided to be a jackass and call his team The Norris Experience. As the president of Manly Mustache Enterprises I am asking for the help of my fellow Mustaches to convince him otherwise. I understand that this would involve dangerous exposure to Josh Johnson and perhaps listening to his talk of pedophiles and porn-stars, but it is a risk that we need to take to preserve the Mustache name.

Thank You.


Thursday, February 23, 2006

deep thoughts

i've been thinking of how epic the "manly mustache" franchise has become. the term "manly mustache" just rolls off the tongue beautifully. so, (try to follow along) i've decided to compile a list of famous 2-word-phrases (for the most part) with 2 syllables/each word starting with an "M." so here's where the team ranks in M/M phrase history.

1.) Manly Mustache
2.) Muslim Magic
3.) Mr. Melby
4.) Muddy Midgets
5.) Magic Markers
6.) Manly Mixtape (official soundtrack of the mustaches)
7.) Mopti, Mali
8.) Mrs. Muffet
9.) Marky Markdown
10.) Mega Millions (jackpot)
11.) Mystery Machine
12.) Mickey Mantle

So, there you have it--history tells us that the mustaches belong on top.

Feel free to add to this list as you choose.


Monstars Shirt...Again

I'm not quite sure what I did, but I accidently deleted the previous T-Shirt post. Anyway This design is, in my opinion, amazing and is on the same level of greatness as the Manly Mustache shirts and Team GPA shirts. For only $18 (@ custom ink I'll also check MN Tees) they come at a discount price. Granted, I'm not sure who exactly will be on the Monstars, but any current Mustaches should definatly give their input and other's input will (possibly) be taken into consideration.


Fun's Over

I think it's time for a quick policy announcement.

While burning Tay can be fun and easy, (and it can be. I mean, look at this photo he posted on his OWN blog.), it is also a little mean and distracting from official Mustache business. Also, by attacking Tay, we give him the attention he craves, fueling his self-destructive, though entertaining, cycle. For the sake of Tay, and this blog, I propose that we refrain from future Tay burns on this blog. If you ever get a real itch, you can always head over to capstar (see Actual Statistician link) and post a comment. Don't worry about which post. They pretty much all involve a Tay burn at some point.

Also, other contributors to this blog are welcome to, um, contribute. It'd take a little pressure off me, if that makes a difference. Just make sure your posts are entertaining, insightful, and succinct enough to qualify as Manly Mustache material.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006


So I tried out the hot new personality test thing, and this is what I get. Go figure...

Your unsuitability for public office is readily apparent to everyone but yourself. You secretly dream to of being the next David Hasselhoff. You cheat at the spear game at German overnighters. You once tried to fix a Knowledge Bowl meet, in the process becoming the Pete Rose of KB. You probably don't even read this blog.

World's Most Accurate Personality Test
Posted by Picasa


it's official

this is rupert. he's dark skinned. he predicts who wins intramural games.

AND he has a mustache.


My Brother Sam Is Dead

Seriously, does Sam even visit this website? He's so Batman.

I'd like to welcome Muslim "Andrew Kubas" Magic as a contributor. Just point him towards Mecca and nobody gets hurt.

In Mustache news, this Sunday at 6 (or maybe 5, the schedule is a little sketch) the Right Honorouble Manly Mustaches will be engaging a bout of basket-ball (and possibly fisticuffs) with those dastardly scoundrels of, um, Joe Cutkay's team. We hung with them last time, but if we get down by enough early this is going to turn into a ghetto-fest. We know it's late in the week, but we figure we can get a fair to middlin' crowd with the promise of EITHER a competitive game OR a veritable smorgasbord of street-ballin'. But probably not both.

Bring a friend and be ready for some more classic player intros, and more classic Mustache highjinks. I'm not going to give anything away, but you ain't see nothing yet...


Better quality shot so everyone can make it their desktop picture.
 Posted by Picasa


Tuesday, February 21, 2006

We've Got Spirit, Yes We Do

It's official. Posted by Picasa


We all know the true measure of any entity's social power: Has it ever been part of Winter Wonder Week? The jocks get spirit friday, while the powerful hick faction can often pull both a camo day and a cowboy day. Well, get a load of these awesome shots of the official Winter Wonder Week banner in the A-commons. That's right. Punks.
Posted by Picasa


Monday, February 20, 2006

Delicately Constitutioned Invalids

So in math today, a bunch of Gangsta Nationals were hating on the mustaches. They refused to believe we pulled off a dunk, and then claimed that the dunk was somehow lessened by the fact that it was off of someone's back. They then proceeded to cry tiny, glistening tears. I hope they didn't dampen their lacy linen nightgowns. They could catch cold, and I fear that their delicate constitutions couldn't withstand another bout of pneumonia.

Seriously, isn't an off the back dunk more impressive than one of the unassisted variety? A solo dunk shows excellent individual athleticism, but it doesn't really require much planning or strategy. The same cannot be said of the off the back, which requires a difficult bit of teamwork. For a relatively height-challenged team like the MM to pull off a dunk in a game is a bigger accomplishment. We don't have any 6-8 monsters on the team, so we must rely on cunning and guile.


Mustache Stoppers? Or Show Mustaches?

Thanks to the Showstoppers' utter inability to take a joke and hypersensitivity to any and all comments regarding them, they're considering inviting the Mustaches to play a grudge match on May 20th. They already have an event planned out (see thier post below), but they might toss in the Mustaches game as an added ego-stroking bonus. I think it'd be a lot of fun, and some of the events sound pretty hardcore. Who's with me? Any conflicts?

Showstoppers All Star Weekend
After much debate, the idea has finally been settled, and there is now a plan for the official rematch of Team GPA and The Showstoppers. First off everyone check the calendars. The date is May 20th, a saturday. Everyone should be back from everywhere and so I'm thinking it should be a go. As for the actual event, well take a seat and let me tell you about it. About 2:00 is when the actual fun begins. This is when the Celebrity Game will take place. This game will be played on 8' 6" inch hoops or so. Each team will be able to sign a coach, of their choice, who will coach the team for this game. Also, each team may roster up to 3 "celebrity" players. They must be accepted by most, just in case someone tries to pull something crazy. This game will play two 15 minute halves. After this there will be a short half hour intermission. Then the place will get crazy, for this is when the three point shootout and slam dunk contest will take place. I figure they 3 point shootout will feature 8 or 12 shooters, who will face off in round one against each other, then the top scores will advance after that. The slam dunk contest will feature 6 if we can manage that. I can't think of who would enter except Kid C and The One, but I'm hoping that others will join. Judges will be selected before the contest, the judges will be unbias, to assure that the true dunk champion is chosen. Then after all that is done, the big game will go down. The Undisputed National Champions of the World, The Showstoppers, vs. Team GPA. I figure the Game will start about 5 - 5:30. We will play two 20 minute halves. May the best team win. This will go on at "the cage". For those of you that do not know what this is, it is the court over by the new church in the industrial park. I've spoken to most of my team and they all think this will work for them. It is sure to draw a large crowd, so what do you say? In or Out?


He's On Fire!

I'm not sure who took this picture of Tom Day's dunk. Someone must have had a camera at the game.

Granted, it's not entirely accurate. Day wasn't wearing goggles. And I'm pretty sure the ball was actually on fire.
Posted by Picasa


Sunday, February 19, 2006

The B-Town Globetrotters

I think I might get todays date tattooed backwards on my forhead, just so every time I look in the mirror I'll be reminded of what went down on this day. The Manly Mustaches validate their existence, all in the space of two games.

First game: We won. On D we smothered them like mushrooms on a delicious patty melt, and we had an opponent leave with a broken ankle (Keller, our prayers are with you). We didn't really have anything to do with his injury, but it's still pretty ghetto. Oh, and Dirk chipped a couple of teeth. Gangsta.

Second game: Here we go. We took on the Hub-City Savages, so it was kind of over before it started. But something happened to the Mustaches this game. We finally started believing in the Manly Mustache style of play, and some special things happened. At the risk of being ripped into tiny pieces by the Showstoppers propaganda machine, I'd like to declare this the single most ghetto game of intramural ever played. I kept waiting for someone to start whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown" or throw a bucket of confetti on Hill. Sure the showstoppers were good, but can they match this list of accomplishments in a single game?

1. Not one, but TWO half-court shots from Muslim Magic, sporting his freshly shorn new head with the headband, Bibby style.

2. The entire offense run through our worst player (Sorry, Nick. But you did have 7 points total and too many turnovers before this game.) 7 points (thanks kurt) on the season, until this game where he dropped SEVENTEEN. Welcome to the big time.

3. The Chef pulled a slip n' slide at the top of the key, then ooped it to himself from the three-point line.

4. A HUGE DUNK! Last play, as time expires, The Chef and All-Day run down on a final fast break. The Chef goes down on all fours, All-Day runs up, highsteppin', both shoes untied, elevates, hangs in the air just a moment, and throws it down one handed. Holy Hell, ya'll. Holy Hell.

The bad news: The Janitor forgot his camera, so you'll have to listen to the accounts of all the witnesses. They will sing songs of what they have seen this day. All you G.P.A.ers, just talk to Nick Nathan. Kim and Carolyn were there too, huge shout out. And yeah, we did lose the second game, but who cares?

Top of the world baby, top of the world.




(see next post for details.)


AK-47 Is The Tool

Game Day. Today is important. If we can pull out a win against Walls' team and the sophomores lose, we'll gain a game out of last place. Woo-hoo.

More importantly, I have to decide what my pre-game music will be: N.W.A. or Kanye West? I guess it depends on whether I want to be thrown out for fighting or trash talk, respectively. Kanye's got the edge right now, but I'll probably just end up going with my Vanessa Carlton/O-Town mix anyway...

Post-game music: Depending on a win or a loss, probably either Stevie Wonder or Van Morrison. Which music for which outcome? That's for me to know and you to find out.

Check here for a post-game update. Fingers crossed, Mustache Nation.


Saturday, February 18, 2006

Mustaches on the Web


Friday, February 17, 2006

End Of An Era

I'd like to point out just how close the Manly Mustaches organization's collective finger is to the pulse of our community.

Notice how the hot new thing is to call sam walker a robot? Perhaps you should also notice how the night before, I referred to him as "Samwalkertron," clearly a robot reference. You're welcome.

Also, I'd like to be the first to declare Chuck Norris jokes as unhip. While they can be extremely funny, they've achieved saturation in the BHS community. Feel free to read them, but realize how lame you're being. A special shout out is in order to Johnny V, who was talking about them about a month before they became common knowledge. Cool then, not now.

Wait, does this make me Josh Mattson now?


Challenging The Gods

Wow. I guess if I ever want to get a bunch of comments almost instantly, I just need to imply, ever so gently, that some other team besides the showstoppers is deserving of some sort of rememberance or recognition.

Look, I know the MM will never exceed the showstopers in on-court success, but I hope that we'll have a chance to come close in non-basketball related exploits. Did the showstoppes ever make it on the warrior update? Did they ever raffle off an autographed ball at halftime? Were they ever featured on the BRAINERD DAILY DISPATCH WEBSITE?

Front page (See Kurt about halfway down, holding the autographed ball):


All will be explained when the Manly Mustaches Manifesto is completed...


Thursday, February 16, 2006

This Sunday, 5 and 6 p.m., BHS gym, the Manly Mustaches begin their epic comeback. First, we face/off against Andy Walls' junior squad. This ought to be a good game, we'll run hard and hope for some better shooting. Second game might be a little harder. Hub City Savages, possible intramural champs. But we'll just have to knuckle down and power through it, settle down and play to our potential. And try not to lose by 100.

I don't even know Andy Walls, but I feel obligated to do some trash talking. So, here goes...

Andy Walls is less help in a fight than Hellen Keller. She can at least provide inspiration.


While waiting for the all-powerful administrative overlord Samwalkertron to fix a few glitches with this site, I guess I'll write a little somthing.

In regards to the Mustaches/G.P.A. game:
I believe that we can reasonably call it the greatest intramural game of all time. While the final results were ultimately disappointing, it was a terrific show. I mean, c'mon, look at this list of accomplishments: A last second win, with 4 points in 17 seconds to seal the deal; A huge crowd, including many fine hecklers (Josh Ellens, I'm looking at you.); player introductions and a halftime giveaway (congratulations to Shannon on winning the season tickets); and we got the whole thing on tape. Although the Showstoppers OT game last year was epic, I believe this game easily overtook it in overall spectacle.

Any visitors, please leave a comment. I realize many people will need to get a blogger account, but you might as well. It's inevitable. Soon everyone on earth will have a blog, it will become lame, and everyone will stop. The Mustache blog has only to wait out this dark period and it will be the only blog on the web when blogs get popular again.

Say, does anyone else see a parallel between the typical blogger's documentation of his/her humdrum, boring existence and Addison's diarist's arrogant declaration that his empty life is worthy of remeberance? I'm just saying is all.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

A tragically apt visual metaphor for the Manly Mustaches' season so far. Posted by Picasa


Behold! The Void.

Vast. Silent. Empty. Stretching out beyond the reach of imagination, or of reason.

But Lo!

From nothingness, it emerges. A shimmering beacon of hope, a city on a hill, no, check that, on a mountain. Forged from pure will, it stands as the lone bastion against the brute forces of nonexistence and chaos.

And I stand at it's christening, firmly clutching the metaphorical bottle of champagne and hoping it doesn't shatter while driving in the metaphorical golden spike.

As I gaze out on this sea of shining faces, I am inspired to give the needy orphans of the world wide web a treasured piece of advice: Hitch your wagon to the stars! Don't just aim high, aim straight up, high as you can see! Just make sure you feed your horses the oats of inspiration and imagination, and they'll be farting moonbeams in no time!

Welcome to the best thing the internet has going for it. The Manly Mustaches Blog. Or as I like to call it, America's Homepage. It's mine, at least.

Check in here for all things mustache, all things bright and beautiful, and all things in general.

Welcome home, Planet Earth.